I’m kicking 2020 off with a wonderful guest post by Ash. Much like myself, Ash has been through an eating disorder and is learning to navigate life without it. She understands the difficult ins and outs of recovery, the ridiculous impulses, and the downright mad behvaiours.
Aisling (pronounced Ash-ling) is a 23-year old Irish blogger from This Dreams Alive and Prickly Pineapples. She’s passionate about mental health, eco-friendly living, books, and coffee.
2019 was my biggest recovery year yet. It was the year I regained an almost normal relationship with food.
Since first “recovering” from the eating disorder, I’d let go of old behaviours such as restricting or intense physical activity. However, I still led quite a controlled life. I still carefully monitored what I ate and had very specific rules that I’d follow, such as exercising several times a week even when I didn’t feel like it. Although this could be considered a “healthy lifestyle”, in terms of eating disorder recovery it’s still considered unhelpful behaviour.
In 2019 something changes. I started letting my hair down. If I met my friends after a late shift, I’d pick up food in the chipper because nowhere else was open. It’s quick, easy, and cheap, and I actually like a big bag of greasy chops sometimes. Although it’s not exactly good for my body, it’s good for my soul. I’d even get twisty fries in McDonald’s when I felt like it, or eat chips and dip. These are all foods I loved when I was a teenager but have spent my adult life forbidding myself from eating.
My body hasn’t changed since letting my hair down. Even if it did, it’s not the end of the world. My body is a vessel to carry me through this life, it’s not who I am.
I might not exercise every day, but when I’m not active for a long time I start to miss how being active made me feel. Now I exercise for the endorphins and health benefits, and not to look a certain way or to punish myself. My diet is still pretty healthy most days, and the days where it’s not so good won’t kill me.
Sometimes you want to go to the gym but wake up with a cold, instead of forcing myself to go, I let myself rest and recover. Sometimes you don’t hit your 5-a-day or have a perfect macro-ratio because of unexpected plans and that’s fine too.
Sitting my with friends in a bar with a bag of chips and having a nice night is worth more than me going home to make a healthy meal and not see them at all. My ED robbed the first few years of my adult life, it’s not stealing the rest of my 20s!
It was a challenge. My ED is very much a coping mechanism and things that would have previously caused a relapse didn’t trigger me like I was worried they would this year. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about what happened; by all accounts, 2019 was terrible. My ED simply lost its power over me. As coping mechanisms like eating disorders and self-harm become another issue to deal with, on top of the issues that drove you to them in the first place, I’m now able to deal with what life throws at me head-on.
I’d love to be able to eat more intuitively in 2020. Most people actually can’t eat intuitively after childhood because diet culture tarnishes our relationship with food and our connection to our body. Full intuitive eating might be too big of a stretch for 2020 but I definitely want to give it a try.
Studying nutrition has been very healing because it’s debunked so many diet culture myths. There’s no such thing as “good” and “bad” food, it’s all about the quantity. Most of our energy actually comes from carbs, so these “no carb”, “no fat”, “no sugar”, “no salt” diets aren’t founded in nutrition! Our bodies need all of these food groups.
Whether or not there will ever come a day that pre-eating disorder me will fully return, I’m confident I can get to a point where it’s barely there anymore. Right now most days my ED voice is silent.
Recovery related or otherwise? What would you like to see or make happen with your own life?
Be sure to check out Ash’s Blog!
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You have so, SO much to be proud of, and it sounds like you've done incredibly well in 2019 for 'letting your hair down' a bit. That part of loosening the reigns of control is what I've found very difficult. So I really do hope you can continue in the same way this year, with balance and confidence in yourself. You've got this.
Wishing you all the very best for a brighter 2020 ♥
Caz xx
Ash certainly has done an excellent job in 2019 in regard to her recovery. I'm so proud of her and was made even more proud when reading through this.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading.
You are doing so well with talking about your recovery. I like your positive attitude.
Thank you so much. Ash has made huge steps in her recovery thus far and I can't wait to see where it takes her in 2020!
Yay for Ash! What a huge step to take to know that you can be comfortable letting your hair down. Here's to 2020 being even better for Ash and you!!! Hugs!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Ash should be so proud of herself!
It sounds like you have achieved so much personal growth. In my opinion, it is all about balance. Everything in moderation is okay. I love that your goals in your relationship with food are so achievable.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Ash's post. She's done so well in her recovery and I can't wait to see where 2020 takes her!
well done. you should be very proud of yourself. I hope wish you happiness :)
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Ash's post.
It sounds like you've come along way. Congrats on that! Righting a wrong relationship with food is so hard. As a person whose always been overweight and struggled consistently with losing weight and gaining weight, back and forth over and over again, I totally get how hard this is!
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. Ash has done wonderfully in recovery and I can only hope to get there too.
Wonderful perspective! I especially agree with the statement about life being too short to never have chocolate! H ere's to a healthier 2020!
Thank you! I hope you have a lovely year.
I really needed to read this. I've been in and out of recovery since my son was born in 2015. I always feel like I'm struggling alone until I read posts like this. I'm glad that I found you :D
Thank you so much for reading. I really hope this post, along with others on the blog, help to inspire you and keep you motivated. I'm still very much in recovery, however Ash (the author of this post) is bossing her recovery in ways I can only dream of. Hang in there! x
I love your positive attitude. It sounds like you've come a long way. I hope my girls will have a similar attitude about their bodies.
I hope so too. I hope they never have to go through hating their bodies in the first place. Thank you so much for reading Ash's post and for commenting.
Wow is sounds like Ash did such an amazing job in 2019 and continuing to strive for her goals is the best thing she can do for herself. Thanks for sharing this with us Nyxie!
She certainly did! Ash bossed recovery last year, and she'll do it again this year.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting.