I’ve been looking for a way to fully describe how I’ve felt for a large portion of my adult life, and the one thing, or rather a term, that keeps looping around and around in my skull is the Impostor Syndrome.
A number of years ago I was speaking with an old friend who, at the time, was going through a tough time in regards to where he was going with his life. We’ve all been there at some point in our lives, and it’s often described as having an existential crisis. I remember he told me that he felt like an impostor in his own life and that the term ‘Impostor Syndrome‘ best suited him. Being the naturally curious person that I am looked this up and found that I checked a majority of the boxes as well.
“Impostor syndrome causes people to doubt their achievements and fear that others will expose them as fraudulent.”
I often feel like I’m watching my life and my achievements from behind a glass wall. Although I did reasonably well in school, and in my life in general, I still don’t feel like I’ve really done much of anything, and that others are doing just as well, if not better, than I am. In fact, in my head, it’s all a bit of luck really.
To put all that I am feeling under a big umbrella; I don’t feel like I belong here, I feel like I am an alien who has come to earth and is walking through life zipped into someone else’s body.
My sense of self-doubt is overinflated compared to that of a ‘normal‘ person and has ultimately left me with low self-esteem and a deteriorated self-image.
Those with impostor syndrome may;
I confess to tick the majority of these boxes, especially self-sabotage. I’m apparently very good at that.
Perfectionism goes hand in hand with this syndrome. I am a self-confessed perfectionist. If I can’t get it right I will either give up (because if it’s imperfect it’s not worth it) or I will do 1000 drafts until it’s right (this was proven in the fifth year in school when my course work was written out about 100 times because the handwriting wasn’t near enough).
I tend to focus on areas of my life or pieces of work that could have gone better rather than focus on my successes. But then those successes aren’t just me, anyone could have done that, it’s nothing special. Right?
Although I don’t necessarily think I need to put a label on what I am experiencing in regards to the above, I think it helps to know that there are enough people in the world who feel like this to justify it having a title. Does that make sense?
In my usual fashion, I decided to dig a little bit deeper and come up with a few ways that I can better help myself overcome the above feelings and actions which fuel my low self-worth.
Don’t be ashamed to talk about your feelings of being a fraud. Talking about it can be liberating and can make us feel better in the long run.
Just because you feel like a fraud, or stupid, or unworthy doesn’t mean it’s the truth. It happens us all from time to time, some more than others, but we need to learn to step back from the situation and accept that we feel this way BUT that doesn’t mean we are those things.
Perfectionism can often be damaging in that it drives us to the extreme. Being a perfectionist is thought to be a key trait in the development of anorexia after all, and look where that got me!
The key is to try not to obsess and just allow things to be as they are. It’s so damn hard, especially when it comes to work or school, but obsessing only drives us to the brink of insanity, and into the feelings of ‘I’m not good enough, I’m a fake.’
Everyone makes mistakes. The creation of wasps was a mistake in my eyes and who made them? Well, we’ll not get into that. We can make mistakes too and that’s completely okay. We need to stop beating ourselves up for, yet again, not being perfect and realise that we’re all humans. The main thing is that we take it on the chin and learn from them.
Excuse the language but fuck whoever first said ‘you should know all this by now’ or ‘you shouldn’t ask for help if you’re stuck’. Assert yourself! Ask for the help! If you don’t know the answer or you unsure then ask! You deserve guidance on that project you’re stuck on, you’re allowed to have a bad day and, above all else, you’re entitled to help just like everyone else in the world!
Rewrite the unspoken rules of ‘I can’t ask for this’…’I need to be on my game 24-7’. Who even made them up in the first place!?
We hear it all the time in self-help and therapy; Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s easier said than done.
That being said a wise woman once said that you should speak to yourself as if you are speaking to your best friend. Would you tell your best friend that they weren’t good enough? That they were a fraud and wait until everyone finds out? No. So why do it to yourself?
We need to rewire our brains to accept ourselves and love ourselves more.
I have very little advice about this because I am my own judge, jury, and executioner on most days. I beat myself to a pulp from morning to night about the stupidest things. I talk about all this self-love and positivity on my blog every day and you can bet that I feel like the biggest fake in the world sometimes. But I shouldn’t because I’m writing this as a way of processing through things and a way of helping others. I am doing something I feel so proud and happy for doing, and just because I’m struggling with the concept of recovery doesn’t make me a fraud for encouraging it.
It’s easier to write this down than to actually believe it. But, like I always say, I’ll get there.
You deserve nice things just because it’s a Tuesday. You deserve that nice scented candle that you want for no other reason than it smells like cookies! You want a new book? Buy a new book! You feel like a new hair cut or a spa day? Get it.
Treat yourself as if you’re buying gifts for someone you love because you know it will make them feel happy and appreciated.
** If you like what I do please consider donating to my KO-FI fund. I’d like to be able to reach more of an audience so I can potentially grow this blog to be much more than it currently is. I also hope to bring freebies and eventually toolkits to you all as a way of saying thank you for your support.
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I love the idea of speaking to yourself as if you're speaking to your best friend.
Great advice!
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for stopping by :D
Oh I so hear you about feeling fake about what you say (I wrote a similar thing on my blog earlier in the week too) but to quote the Wayward Sisters podcast - it's about taking the journey together rather than one person having all the answers and preaching them to their audience.
I am so blessed that you are taking us on this journey with you, and the more you preach (is that the wrong word? cuz you're not preachy in the bad sense, but you get me?) the positive mindset the more it bleeds into your own mindset.
I have a new thing that I do where I acknowledge a negative thought but then try and flip the script to find the positive - so last night my parents didn't go out as planned so I didn't get to have my regularly scheduled bath which I had been looking forward to and I was pissed and I text a friend moaning. Then about five minutes later (after trying really hard) I managed to flip it to "well at least it frees up my entire evening to work on my blog".
I haven't been very good at it lately, but usually I try and stop a bad through in it's tracks, telling myself 'You don't have time to get into a rut, girl!'. It was working for a while before I went on vacation in March and then, as you know, my life has just went to s**t so to speak!
I am so glad you are learning to train your brain not to react negatively!
Thank you, as always, for popping by. It means so much!
Oh I can definitely relate to imposter syndrome. I was offered an amazing blog opportunity the other day and the firs thing I said to my boyfriend was I wonder if they sent that email to the wrong person.
I've got so little self confidence as it is, I just can imagine myself doing anything good?
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
I am exactly the same Jenny. I've never had confidence and I feel like, because I've been really inactive over the last few days, my blog is suffering because I didn't try hard enough. It's so silly because obviously I can't be there for my family and 'working' at the same time.
Anytime I get paid for a post or article, or even on my Ko-Fi I feel like 'OMG what do I do? How can I repay them?' you know?
Thank you for stopping by :D
xx
Wow this is very relatable! You info is so great I think I suffer from this a lot of the time xx
Thank you for reading! I'm glad it could help.
I can totally relate to this, my perfectionism can be a real issue sometimes! I'm especially good at going overboard with goals and if I have a weekend where I haven't ticked goals off a lsit then it feels so wasted to me. I'm getting better at it, but I feel constantly like I need to prove myself to others when in reality I'm doing alright.
I feel like that lately with my blog. Having taken a few days to be with my family and cope with the loss of my grandfather, my audience engagement has dropped significantly and I am left feeling horrible. But I know that is just the perfectionist in me screaming.
I’ve heard of imposter syndrome but never really knew what it was and now I do, so thankyou for the insight. Thankyou for writing this post 💗
Thank you so much for reading this post! x
I didn't feel like Imposter Syndrome applied to me, but after reading your list of what it's about, I realise this is 100% me. I'm finding it impossible to find a new job because I don't feel capable or worthy and that I would be laughed out the door. I feel better for reading this and I've booked marked it for a point of reference, so thank you so much for this!
Thank you so much for reading! I didn't think it was me either but as I read more into it I realised - YUP - that's me to a tee!
Motivational!
Thank you for sharing this important information regarding imposter syndrome.
Thank you for reading :D
I can certainly relate to this post. I often feel like an imposter and struggle with perfectionism. Great advice here.
Thank you :D
Thank you for sharing this! I did not think I suffered from it but after reading I know I have it. Now I know that I have to assert myself and ask for help.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond x