The level of anxiety I’ve experienced is far from normal, and it’s about time I came to terms with that.
As far as I can remember I’ve always been a ‘worrier‘. There have been nights where I’ve laid awake worrying about everything. I’ve worried about things I said or did over ten years ago, and even things far outside my control. In the last few years of my life, the small glimpses of that worry have grown into something much, much bigger. Not only do these thoughts plague me at night but they cling to me throughout the day, reminding me that there is always something to worry about.
I’ve been in a trap of perpetual chaos with no apparent way out.
The real problems started in my final year of university;
The perfectionist in me was driven to excessive new heights; studying to get the best marks, working to make money and functioning as a normal adult in between. Looking back, all I did during this period of my life was work and study. Sleep and ‘self-care‘ weren’t words I often used in my vocabulary and fun was a distant memory.
During this time in my life, I would suffer from frequent palpitations, accompanied by dizziness and a sense of panic. I’m not talking ‘Oh dear, I’ve forgotten my keys‘ panic. What I’m talking about is unprovoked, out of nowhere PANIC. Alarm bells ringing, chest tightening, unable to breathe PANIC!
Surely, that can’t be normal. Right?
Dinner Rush Dizzyness;
It was a busy day in the restaurant where I worked. We were understaffed by a significant amount, like we always seemed to be. I had 2 full sections, had been starving for over 5 hours and had nothing but coffee in my system. The more people came in, the more the kitchen backed up and the more my anxiety grew.
I was standing at table 36 about to take an order when everything around me started to spin. My heart was pounding painfully in my chest, I couldn’t catch my breath and I was unable to say anything other than ‘I’ll be back in a minute‘. I placed my orderman down on the table and stumbled into the bathrooms where I promptly sat on the floor. I was shaking and trying to breathe but nothing was happening. Luckily I had amazing co-workers who set about taking my table and getting me sweet tea to help with my nerves.
Looking back it was an intense panic attack and one of my first outside the privacy of my own bedroom.
Anxiety on the motorway;
After driving home from work one night I unexpectedly found myself in the midst of panic. I arrived home, took a shower and suddenly felt like I was unable to leave the bathroom. My head was spinning, my chest was tight and I was shaking too much to allow my legs to move. Instead, I sat on the floor and cried for over an hour before composing myself enough to move to the couch.
Both occasions, along with the many more, were shaken off as just being a by-product of stress. Everyone gets it. It was fine. Right?
I’m guessing not quite.
Since then I’ve had to pull over onto the hard shoulder just to let the panic pass. I’ve even had to escape to the toilets in work to count to ten and let myself breathe.
My heart ends up beating so fast, that it feels like it might burst from my chest. I’ve convinced myself that I can actually see my heart beating through my flesh if I stand still enough.
The panic has left me feeling physically ill. I’ve found my self shaking, I’ve felt so light-headed I could see dots in front of my eyes, I’ve vomited, I’ve had chronic stomach issues (ongoing for the last year and a half), and I’ve had terrible sleeping patterns for the majority of my adult life.
But, like I said, just stress. No big deal. I’d felt like this for so long that I’d just gotten used to it. The symptoms were just normal, everyday living to me.
I like to think of myself as Ross from Friends. When you’re trying not to think about it and someone asks you if you’re okay and you just say;
‘I’m finnnnneeeeeeeee‘.
But then I began anorexia recovery again and I felt that it was time to address this once and for all. I spoke to my therapist about it a number of weeks ago and since then we’ve had a meeting with the clinic’s consultant. The end result was additional medication to take the edge of the anxiety and help me over to sleep at night. (Quetiapine 25mg, if you’re interested)
One thing the consultant did stress is that this new medication is just to help dull down the anxiety so I can start to concentrate on other areas in my life. It is not to dull any of the emotions I might be feeling. That would defeat the purpose of eating disorder recovery.
Knowing that the anxiety is no longer a figment of my imagination I’m taking action to combat it in the same ways I’m doing for my depression and eating disorder. I’m diving into the blogs for help on how to better manage my anxiety, I’ve found a whole library, too many to tag, full of worldly advice.
I still need to walk up to the closet where my anorexia hides, open the door and face any demons that might be hiding inside. Anxiety is just one more monster in my closet. Doesn’t matter. They’re all pretty similar and have pretty much the same weaknesses; self-care, self-love, positive thinking, serotonin, and breathing.
** If you like what I do please consider donating to my Patreon fund. I’d like to be able to reach more of an audience so I can potentially grow this blog to be much more than it currently is. I also hope to bring freebies and eventually toolkits to you all as a way of saying thank you for your support.
