What will recovery bring to your life? What do you want from recovery? What things are you currently unable to pursue or get on with because of the mental illness?
I find that these are such broad questions. Some of my answers will be similar to the answers of others, while some will be unique. We all have our own ideas of what we want from recovery and no matter how big or small they are, they’re all extremely important to us.
There are so many things that I want recovery to bring me. Some will be mentioned here, while others I am choosing to keep to myself.
One.
I want recovery to bring me as much peace around food and situations involving food as possible. I’m not expecting miracles by any means, I just want a bit more control.
Two.
I want recovery to bring me inner peace and happiness, and the ability to finally manage my emotions like a healthy adult.
Moreover, I want recovery to bring me back my feelings! I want to know what it feels like to be excited, happy or joyful. I’ll even take normal! I’ve only been able to grasp the ‘negative‘ emotions, while the others have become much duller.
Three.
I want recovery to allow me the freedom of routine. At the moment I don’t stay over at people’s houses because I can’t go through my evening and morning rituals. It scares me to step out of them because it feels like something awful will happen, even though I know it won’t.
I’ve been challenging this on a daily basis and allowing myself the freedom to lay on in bed if I need to, but the discomfort it brings me to do that is still overwhelming. Especially as of late.
Four.
I want recovery to bring me the ability to go back to work and not be a complete letdown. At this point, I don’t care what I do or how I do it, I just want to be able to cope like everyone else around me.
The guilt of being off work has been eating me alive for months now. That, accompanied by the other stressors in my life, have turned to deep shame in the pit of my stomach.
All of it, the guilt, shame and self-loathing, has managed to curl around my body like snakes. Lately, they’ve been growing tighter every day, making me feel worse.
Five.
I want recovery to bring me the possibility of having children in the future if Ryan and I decide that’s what we want. Right now there is no chance of that happening due to my sporadic period and deep seeded body issues.
Six.
I want recovery to bring me the ability to wear clothes that aren’t made for children or a size 4 woman.
Recently I tried to find a few decent outfits to wear to a very personal ‘event’ that was happening in my life. I needed to look my best! But that meant a lot of shopping with very little success. I discovered that even the smallest sizes in Primark and Dunnes weren’t fitting, and so I ended up buying trousers from the kid’s section in New Look.
Embarrassed is an understatement. It’s so hard to find anything for a 5’6 toddler.
Seven.
I want recovery to bring me freedom from the fear of stepping on the scales. God, is that a big fear! It dominates my life at the moment, especially due to all the emotional trauma I am going through at the moment.
Eight.
I want what little self-esteem and confidence I had to come back so I can work on improving it. Right now I very little of anything. I felt it growing in the earlier stages of recovery, but recent trauma has just left me completely deflated.
Hopefully working through recovery will help me realise my self-worth.
What do you want recovery to bring to you? Are your answers similar or maybe you have something else entirely? Share your thoughts with me on Twitter or Facebook. I would love to hear from you!
