Do you have problems allocating yourself ‘me’ time?
I’ve always been an introvert, but that doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable with ‘me’ time. The truth is that, prior to 2018, I didn’t have a clue who I was or who I was meant to be. Everything in my life had been planned for me. Grow up, go to university, get a job, get married, get a house, etc. I didn’t think to stop and listen to what I wanted deep within my own heart. The truth is that I was too afraid to find out that I was, in fact, deeply unhappy.
In reality, it didn’t take a genius to see. I was living someone else’s life in a bid to avoid conflict and disappointment from onlookers. Although 2019 was possibly one of the worst years of my life, it also gave me the opportunity to listen to what I actually wanted, and to find out who I really am.
Learning to spend time with me.
By Dan Udale.
Flashback to when I was eighteen. I can remember what it was like having a group of friends that I never wanted to leave behind. I’d look forward to all the plans we’d made. We started making meaningful relationships with one foot into adulthood, and one foot looking back.
“It felt like I was never going to have to be alone again.”
Sometimes when you’ve had a difficult upbringing or adversity at the start of your life, then that friendship group or first relationship can feel like a life jacket. Certain people come into your life and rescue you from the stormy sea that can be life.
This group of friends really helped me to flourish. I was able to make consistent relationships with people, I started having fun, and I was able to express myself. Almost overnight my music taste expanded, my clothing choices were different, and most of all I felt safe within the group.
This circle of friends followed me into my mid-20’s. You could find us at our local haunt, a Tudor three-story building that was, in our opinion, the best pub in town; The Talbot. Without exaggeration, we would spend around four to five nights a week there. It was mostly because at least two of my mates worked there, but also it was simply such a nice place to hang out. We’d sit down and have debates, make plans, talk about our lives, and have a laugh.
The struggles between myself and mental health.
I’ve struggled with the relationship between myself and my mental health since the age of sixteen.
During the summer of 2009, I was assaulted in a local park. Although there wasn’t much physical damage, there were still mental repercussions. However, at the time I didn’t feel very much of anything, emotional or mental. I just felt numb. It was a strange period of time where months and months went by like in a movie.
“All I knew is that I didn’t want to go back outside again.”
It was weird. Anytime I found myself in a situation where I didn’t like the look of someone or I thought I was threatened, something happened. Mentally my mind would start racing, looking for the nearest exit, panicking, and wanting to avoid the threat. Physically my body felt like it had electricity running through my chest, and hot magma running through my veins. I didn’t know it at the time but this was my body and minds way of coping with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
At twenty I was working at a call center, not making much money, and at the brink of what I could take. I’d no clue who I was anymore, and I felt like a supporting character in my own life. A few lines here and there, but mostly obstructed from view. I ultimately made the decision to start paying for private therapy in a bid to address some of the deep emotional and mental issues I was clearly struggling with.
My therapy went through various stages. First, I looked at my PTSD and learned coping mechanisms. Then my therapist wanted more context in regards to my life, so we started a deep dive into my past. In psychodynamic therapy, this is an important component. Many therapist believe that the dynamics we encounter at an early age can influence us, and are ultimately what we use as a basis for other relationships in our lives. Naturally, we started talking about my relationships with my parents and talked about how my family dynamic worked.
“As time went on in therapy it was clear for me that I was running away from my problems in my life by sinking all of my time into my friends.”
Why is that such a bad thing? It’s not if it’s in moderation. Sure, seeing your friends and enjoying those relationships is part of adulthood in my opinion. When we have the confidence to start choosing our circle we’re taking one step out of the nest of our family dynamic. We’re ultimately ready to explore the world by ourselves.
My problem was that I was spending too much time with my friends to my own detriment. I’d go and see them even if I didn’t want to. We would hang out and not talk about anything new because we’d seen each other the day before.
In reality, when I reflected on why I felt so inclined to spend time with them above anything else, it was because it meant I didn’t have to spend time alone.
“Spending time alone meant actively being responsible for what I do with my day, it meant figuring out what might motivate me, it meant that I might actually have to be alone. I was terrified of that.“
I was terrified of time on my own because I didn’t know what to do with myself. If I had a weekend with no plans, I’d wake up late on Saturday and spend the rest of the day in bed watching Netflix. I did all this because the prospect of doing something I wanted was alien, almost like I’d forbidden it. Years passed like this, with the resentment of wasted weekends building, and the feeling of dissatisfaction was palpable as my self-awareness grew.
Learning to spend time by myself.
After therapy, I’d need some downtime to collect my thoughts. It can be quite heavy sometimes, especially when talking about an intense subject like your childhood or trauma. So, one night after therapy I decided to go to a pub that I liked, but this time I was on my own. There were thoughts running through my head: “What will people think if they see me on my own here?“. I was quite unsettled when I got to the pub, and it was hard to concentrate as I scanned around the room to see if anyone was staring. I quickly realised that no one was even looking at me, and that’s when I figured it out for myself;
“No one gives a shit about what you’re doing. They’re all too busy worrying about their own lives to spend time thinking about yours.”
This became a habit. Each week I would roll up to the pub, order a pint, and spend time reflecting and thinking about what I’d spoken about in that week’s session.
Little did I know, but I was slowly building my self-confidence and my understanding of myself. Soon, I started going to the cinema on my own, then meals and eventually a trip to New York. All by myself. Stepping foot into such a massive city was the most terrifying but liberating experience of my life! It didn’t happen overnight, instead it was was a gradual transformation over many years.
“Journalling was the key.”
Maybe you’re stuck where I once was, and need to know how to start moving out of that safe space. If you audit your time and how you spend it, it’ll help you to figure out where in the process you are. Perhaps you do already spend time with yourself. Do you enjoy it? What do you use it for? How often do you give yourself ‘me’ time? It’s ok if some of the answers to these questions are “I don’t know”.
If you feel yourself withdrawing at the prospect of spending time alone, try to understand why that is. I believe it’s the key to unlocking some profound discoveries about yourself. Personally, it was that I avoided spending time alone because I didn’t particularly like myself. I’d value other people’s lives above my own, and I’d no idea who I was as a person.
“The tools that helped me were going to therapy, journaling, and talking to others who enjoy ‘me’ time.”
Journaling was really the key for me. It helped to start a conversation in my head between the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. You won’t get the answers right away, but it eventually becomes too difficult to run away from the words you write. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself. Honesty is important if you want to build trust with yourself, and you need to tell it how it is, warts and all.
Talk to yourself in your journal as if you are a friend explaining a story. Discuss things with yourself, and even if you don’t get answers, it’s a great start. If anything, for me it helped to organise my thoughts so I could think more clearly. It even helped me to reach conclusions on issues without therapy.
“You simply can’t underestimate the power of journaling on strengthening that relationship with yourself.”
About the author.
“Dan Udale is a writer, Podcaster, and blogger who is passionate about mental health. Dan aims to create resources to help people through their mental health journey based on his own experience and training dealing with Mental health and counseling.”
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