Do you have problems allocating yourself ‘me’ time?
I’ve always been an introvert, but that doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable with ‘me’ time. The truth is that, prior to 2018, I didn’t have a clue who I was or who I was meant to be. Everything in my life had been planned for me. Grow up, go to university, get a job, get married, get a house, etc. I didn’t think to stop and listen to what I wanted deep within my own heart. The truth is that I was too afraid to find out that I was, in fact, deeply unhappy.
In reality, it didn’t take a genius to see. I was living someone else’s life in a bid to avoid conflict and disappointment from onlookers. Although 2019 was possibly one of the worst years of my life, it also gave me the opportunity to listen to what I actually wanted, and to find out who I really am.
Learning to spend time with me.
By Dan Udale.
Flashback to when I was eighteen. I can remember what it was like having a group of friends that I never wanted to leave behind. I’d look forward to all the plans we’d made. We started making meaningful relationships with one foot into adulthood, and one foot looking back.
“It felt like I was never going to have to be alone again.”
Sometimes when you’ve had a difficult upbringing or adversity at the start of your life, then that friendship group or first relationship can feel like a life jacket. Certain people come into your life and rescue you from the stormy sea that can be life.
This group of friends really helped me to flourish. I was able to make consistent relationships with people, I started having fun, and I was able to express myself. Almost overnight my music taste expanded, my clothing choices were different, and most of all I felt safe within the group.
This circle of friends followed me into my mid-20’s. You could find us at our local haunt, a Tudor three-story building that was, in our opinion, the best pub in town; The Talbot. Without exaggeration, we would spend around four to five nights a week there. It was mostly because at least two of my mates worked there, but also it was simply such a nice place to hang out. We’d sit down and have debates, make plans, talk about our lives, and have a laugh.
The struggles between myself and mental health.
I’ve struggled with the relationship between myself and my mental health since the age of sixteen.
During the summer of 2009, I was assaulted in a local park. Although there wasn’t much physical damage, there were still mental repercussions. However, at the time I didn’t feel very much of anything, emotional or mental. I just felt numb. It was a strange period of time where months and months went by like in a movie.
“All I knew is that I didn’t want to go back outside again.”
It was weird. Anytime I found myself in a situation where I didn’t like the look of someone or I thought I was threatened, something happened. Mentally my mind would start racing, looking for the nearest exit, panicking, and wanting to avoid the threat. Physically my body felt like it had electricity running through my chest, and hot magma running through my veins. I didn’t know it at the time but this was my body and minds way of coping with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
At twenty I was working at a call center, not making much money, and at the brink of what I could take. I’d no clue who I was anymore, and I felt like a supporting character in my own life. A few lines here and there, but mostly obstructed from view. I ultimately made the decision to start paying for private therapy in a bid to address some of the deep emotional and mental issues I was clearly struggling with.
My therapy went through various stages. First, I looked at my PTSD and learned coping mechanisms. Then my therapist wanted more context in regards to my life, so we started a deep dive into my past. In psychodynamic therapy, this is an important component. Many therapist believe that the dynamics we encounter at an early age can influence us, and are ultimately what we use as a basis for other relationships in our lives. Naturally, we started talking about my relationships with my parents and talked about how my family dynamic worked.
“As time went on in therapy it was clear for me that I was running away from my problems in my life by sinking all of my time into my friends.”
Why is that such a bad thing? It’s not if it’s in moderation. Sure, seeing your friends and enjoying those relationships is part of adulthood in my opinion. When we have the confidence to start choosing our circle we’re taking one step out of the nest of our family dynamic. We’re ultimately ready to explore the world by ourselves.
My problem was that I was spending too much time with my friends to my own detriment. I’d go and see them even if I didn’t want to. We would hang out and not talk about anything new because we’d seen each other the day before.
In reality, when I reflected on why I felt so inclined to spend time with them above anything else, it was because it meant I didn’t have to spend time alone.
“Spending time alone meant actively being responsible for what I do with my day, it meant figuring out what might motivate me, it meant that I might actually have to be alone. I was terrified of that.“
I was terrified of time on my own because I didn’t know what to do with myself. If I had a weekend with no plans, I’d wake up late on Saturday and spend the rest of the day in bed watching Netflix. I did all this because the prospect of doing something I wanted was alien, almost like I’d forbidden it. Years passed like this, with the resentment of wasted weekends building, and the feeling of dissatisfaction was palpable as my self-awareness grew.
Learning to spend time by myself.
After therapy, I’d need some downtime to collect my thoughts. It can be quite heavy sometimes, especially when talking about an intense subject like your childhood or trauma. So, one night after therapy I decided to go to a pub that I liked, but this time I was on my own. There were thoughts running through my head: “What will people think if they see me on my own here?“. I was quite unsettled when I got to the pub, and it was hard to concentrate as I scanned around the room to see if anyone was staring. I quickly realised that no one was even looking at me, and that’s when I figured it out for myself;
“No one gives a shit about what you’re doing. They’re all too busy worrying about their own lives to spend time thinking about yours.”
This became a habit. Each week I would roll up to the pub, order a pint, and spend time reflecting and thinking about what I’d spoken about in that week’s session.
Little did I know, but I was slowly building my self-confidence and my understanding of myself. Soon, I started going to the cinema on my own, then meals and eventually a trip to New York. All by myself. Stepping foot into such a massive city was the most terrifying but liberating experience of my life! It didn’t happen overnight, instead it was was a gradual transformation over many years.
“Journalling was the key.”
Maybe you’re stuck where I once was, and need to know how to start moving out of that safe space. If you audit your time and how you spend it, it’ll help you to figure out where in the process you are. Perhaps you do already spend time with yourself. Do you enjoy it? What do you use it for? How often do you give yourself ‘me’ time? It’s ok if some of the answers to these questions are “I don’t know”.
If you feel yourself withdrawing at the prospect of spending time alone, try to understand why that is. I believe it’s the key to unlocking some profound discoveries about yourself. Personally, it was that I avoided spending time alone because I didn’t particularly like myself. I’d value other people’s lives above my own, and I’d no idea who I was as a person.
“The tools that helped me were going to therapy, journaling, and talking to others who enjoy ‘me’ time.”
Journaling was really the key for me. It helped to start a conversation in my head between the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. You won’t get the answers right away, but it eventually becomes too difficult to run away from the words you write. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself. Honesty is important if you want to build trust with yourself, and you need to tell it how it is, warts and all.
Talk to yourself in your journal as if you are a friend explaining a story. Discuss things with yourself, and even if you don’t get answers, it’s a great start. If anything, for me it helped to organise my thoughts so I could think more clearly. It even helped me to reach conclusions on issues without therapy.
“You simply can’t underestimate the power of journaling on strengthening that relationship with yourself.”
About the author.
“Dan Udale is a writer, Podcaster, and blogger who is passionate about mental health. Dan aims to create resources to help people through their mental health journey based on his own experience and training dealing with Mental health and counseling.”
Instagram // Twitter.
50 Comments
Wonderful post about your experiences. I love how
you mention journaling..
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Dan’s post! Much appreciated!
Great post… it’s really easy to get lost in friend groups and not really know what you want to do anymore been guilty of not taking space recently good reminder of just how important that is.
Thank you so, so much of reading. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Great post.
Thank you 🙂 I will let Dan know.
You have some great advice. This is something that I need to work in my life.
Thank you so much for reading. Dan has given us some excellent advice and things to think about.
I’m an introvert and a homebody so I have absolutely no problem allocating me time. However I do have a hard time getting out with friends. Oops.
I’m the same. I sometimes spend too much time with myself but refuse to go anywhere alone? It’s strange and not good, but I’m working on it!
Thank you for reading, pet. I really appreciate it!
This is so beautiful. I am an introvert myself and always feel like I need some time with loved ones.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Dan’s post. x
I found myself in parts of your post. Some of them helpful, or at least encouraging. I like your progress.
Thank you so much. I will pass on your message to Dan. 🙂
Wow, what great timing. I just heard a talk on the importance of taking time for yourself and how it is not a bad thing. Sometimes we feel that we are just not as important as the people we care about and give time to.
Thank you for reading Dan’s post. I can relate to your comment. I often put others before me and although I am actively trying to stop that, it’s difficult.
I think spending time alone is so valuable to our wellbeing. I am also an introvert, and I actually thrive on having solitude time. I’m glad you’ve learned the importance of spending time with yourself.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Dan’s post! I used to hate spending time alone then I was forced to. Now I’m trying to spend time outside the house alone. It’s a real journey.
I am so incredibly introverted. I do get out plenty, but it is always with either some combination of my kids or with a friend or two. Or at church functions, small groups, etc. I absolutely hate to be alone outside of my house. I’ll go shopping once in a while, but I miss being with others. I do have plenty of alone time at home though. But I can see the harm over time of not allowing alone time. And I can definitely see my younger self in the scenario you described above. Good for you for coming out of it!
I was the same but I’m slowly growing. I’m taking a leaf from Dan’s book and going out for coffee by myself more and keeping a journal of my thoughts and worries. I used to but not frequently. I’ve since stopped that and actually take the time to think about how I am feeling.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Dan’s lovely post.
First of all, you post was amazing and what you write about is so important. Mental health is important, but it’s often passed by. Thank you for writing this and for retelling your personal experience, I think if we would all be honest about the subject, we would all be better.
Thank you so much for reading Dan’s post! We really appreciate you stopping in. 🙂
Journaling makes a difference. I know people who highlight their moods throughout the day and even week. It helps look back on these moments.
It certainly does. Thank you for visiting and reading Dan’s post.
It’s journey and one worth taking! I’m learning to change my behaviour towards myself. One of the positive changes is taking time for myself. Lovely post!
Thank you so much. Dan is an excellent writer and I can’t wait to have him appear on the blog again.
Live your own life, not else’s!
Exactly! Thank you for reading Dan’s post 😀
I always spend time with myself to organize myself and admire the work I achieve. You got good points.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading 🙂
I love this post. I enjoy spending time with myself. It allows me function better with others.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading 🙂
Great post! I think it’s important to reevaluate from time to time.
It certainly is. Thank you so much for stopping in and reading.
Love this post. Glad to hear you turned your situation into something so meaningful.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading.
Wooow I am so moved by this 🙂 Love this
Thank you. x
I appreciate you sharing your personnal experience and have turned it into something positive. I personally enjoy spending time by myself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and read Dan’s post!
I have some friends that journal and talk about the benefits of it too. I applaud you for overcoming your past experiences and continuing to work on yourself. My alone time is very valuable to me. I agree that learning to be by yourself is essential!
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading Dan’s guest post! I really appreciate it and love to see all the support he’s getting for his post!
I can relate to Dan’s struggle of spending me time. This post is helpful!
having read your post, dear i came to an understanding that i for one really do need a me time to fix up the challenges i face as a person and to properly balance me life.
This was beautifully written. I thrive off of alone time. I think we all need it and it’s okay to need it.
Thank you so much for reading. I’m glad that you found it informative.
Great post. I like spending time alone. I’m probably somewhere between introvert and extrovert but I need alone time and quiet time otherwise I can’t function. When my anxiety was at it’s worst, I spent months at home, not leaving the house. My parents and boyfriend (at the time) both worked full time so I inadvertently spent 80% of my life alone, which I think made me appreciate alone time more now x
I was like that last year and essentially this year too. I have no one near me and besides work, the only other person I see is Ryan. Unless I make the effort to drive home (which is anxiety-inducing in itself) then I’m alone pretty much 80% of the time too. Thank god for twitter or I’d go mad!
Thank you for reading, pet!
Great post! Journalling is such a powerful thing and it can work wonders at getting your thoughts out and and coming to terms with how you feel. I love a bit of alone time, I think it’s so important to allow yourself it when you need it! x
Exactly. I’m taking some much needed time off and to myself throughout Feb and March. Honestly I need the breather from the constant business of the life I have created.