Self-harm is a topic I’ve only touched on briefly in the last few months. Despite struggling for many years, it’s not a topic I feel particularly comfortable discussing both on and offline. Similar to this week’s guest, Tanya, I feel the stigma that surrounds self-harm has prevented not only me but many others from speaking out. This year I want to change that. I want to finally be able to ‘come-out‘ and admit that self-harm was and still is a part of my struggle with mental illness.
To read more about self-harm, check out Ash’s useful alternatives.
Self-Harm: A personal Struggle.
By Tanya.
I want to start off by thanking Nxyie for allowing me to share with you my experiences. This is the first time I’ve addressed this subject online for a variety of reasons. Much like Nyxie, I frequently discuss mental health on my blog, but I’ve never mentioned self-harm or my overdose.
Why is that, I wonder?
When I was growing up self-harming was always labeled as an “emo” or a “goth” trait. It was deemed as something only teenagers did to get attention. At the time I never thought that it would be something that I would still have to battle well into my twenties or even thirties.
I can remember the first time I self-harmed as clear as day. At the time I was just fourteen years old and I used a cheap pink ‘bic’ razor. You know, the type for shaving? I showed my injuries to a guy I hung around with at the time. Why? I don’t know really. Maybe I wanted him to tell me it was okay, or maybe I wanted him to help me. Either way, he looked at my arm, then at my face and jokingly said: “don’t do that”. Then he simply walked away. I can only assume now that I made him uncomfortable. Funny how that happens, mental illness making others “uncomfortable”.
“When I was sixteen things got worse. I was harming a lot & felt that I had nowhere to turn.”
I was living with my Dad, was the victim of frequent bullying and, to top it all off, had no friends to call on. The only thing I could do to cope was to self-harm.
It was happening so frequently that it was getting harder to hide. I recall being in an automotive class and accidentally rolling up my sleeve. The girl working beside me spotted the marks and asked me what was wrong. Instead of being honest I quickly hid the evidence and said nothing, fearing I might risk exposure.
After that, my Dad had made me an appointment with my doctor. I wasn’t sure why I was going there but I obliged, afraid to rock the boat. During the routine tests, the doctor caught a glimpse of my arms. She asked me if everything was okay, and if I wanted to talk about anything. Of course I said no. Instead of pushing me she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call anytime.
When my Dad found he had a meltdown. It was expected but I was still shocked to be sent to live with my mother as a response. I was promptly shipped to a different home, in a different province, far away from everything I knew.
The act of self-harming was never something that I did to hurt others. It was a way for me to silently manage my own pain.
“It’s very different to self-harm as an adult opposed to self-harming as a teenager.”
When I was a teenager it was viewed as a ‘phase‘ or a cry for attention. But now it’s thrown me into a different category altogether: The crazy category.
As an adult who struggles with self-harm I’ve been looked at as if I’m contagious. People have treated me differently, physically backed away from me during conversations and straight up ignored me all because of my mental illness.
As I got older I stopped cutting and started scratching instead. It seems to occur more frequently when my anxiety is high or I’m feeling particularly stressed. Although it started in my early twenties, it’s still something I struggle with at thirty-one. It’s become so much of a habit that I sometimes don’t even realise that I’m doing it.
Five simple ways to cope without self-harm!
There are numerous ways to cope without resorting to self-harm. The alternatives to self-harm were discussed in an earlier post by Ash, so I’m going to stick to the methods I personally use. Be mindful that although these work and are convenient for me, they may not be for you. It may take some time (and relapses) to find what works best.
- Keep an elastic band or hair tie around your wrist. Snap it anytime you feel urges, or need to occupy yourself. Be careful as it can leave welts is snapped hard enough, but they’re a safer alternative to causing physical injury.
- The butterfly project. For this one, you use a pen to draw on the spots on your body you feel like harming.
- Chew on some crushed ice. This is a grounding technique that helps bring you into the present moment. Plus the cold ice can help “shock your system” and bring you back to earth.
- Speaking of ice, take an ice cube and hold it in your hand. Focus on how holding the ice cube feels, the temperature, consistency, moisture, etc.
- Go outside and scream. Scream as loud as you can for as long as you need it. (Be aware of neighbors, time of day, etc as this may scare some people and promote unwanted reactions).
Thank you Tanya for sharing your story with us.
28 Comments
Thank you for writing about this. I have had a few friends who have gone through self-harm and always felt alone because the stigma of talking about it. You are such a brave warrior to share your story and help others.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
Tanya thank you so much for sharing these experiences with us. It’s so important for others going through this to know they are not alone.
I think that a lot of people struggle with self harming but never have the courage to admit or ask for help. You are so brave for speaking out. I can imagine it was so hard, but admitting it is the first step towards getting better.
It takes a lot of courage to come out and admit about our own mistakes.Welld one for such a brave step!
There are many things that I stop to reflect on related to the mind and psychology and it will be that despite and the problems I have never been able to understand, like self-injury … I do not conceive the idea of hurting yourself.
I can imagine this is tough. I’ve never gone through it, but I know many people who have. I’m glad people share their stories to help others.
This gave me some great insight to things. As a mom of teens, I want to be able to understand things.
This was a heartfull to read, so honest and truthfull. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I know how hard it must have been. I am sure it will help and save somebodies life.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.
This was a great article. I learned so much!!! Thank you!
Brilliant post, there is such a stigma surrounding self harm. I’ll admit to not fully understanding it.
Thank you for sharing so honestly, I’m sure this will help others in this situation but also help others to understand it more x
This is such an honest and important post and although I’ve never really struggled with self harm – not to this degree anyway – I think her coping techniques are amazing. I’ve never heard of the crushed ice thing before but that’s a fantastic idea xxx
Thank you for posting such a personal, intimate yet important story. it is very brave. Thank you!
This blog post is truly very important and amazing to know more about..glad you shared this with us..it is so deep and meaningful..loved reading this..great work though..
Thanks Tanya for continuing to make us aware that self harm is a reality for many people around the world. I am really glad to hear that there are ways to cope when that feeling emerges.
I’ve been in her place. I appreciate here opening up.. Keep it up!
Peoples attitude towards self harm are really frustrating to me, my partner told me she did it as a teenager and when her mum found out, she just told her to stop being silly and looking for attention 🤦♂️
I’ve managed to mostly steer clear of it in my battle with depression, using a couple of your tips, lots of screaming and and the elastic band on the wrist.
Wow. I can understand your reservations, but I think these are really important conversations to have. Thank you for sharing your story.
This is such an eye opening and powerful post. It’s hard to put yourself in one’s shoes who self harms sometimes, and support is so important.
oh wow, this made me emotional! All I can say is that hardship make up stronger and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
What a brave thing to speak about. This is actually a subject that we’ve recently discussed with the kids.
Great alternative coping mechanisms here. And an interesting (and true) point about self-harm as a kid versus as an adult.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.
This is such a great article that people need to read and understand the pains others go through on a regular basis. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. x
Thank you for sharing your story. It could save someone’s life.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. x