What does the term passively suicidal mean? What’s the difference between being active and passive? What are the signs and how can you help yourself?
The term Passively Suicidal was first uttered to me in a doctor’s office over four years ago. I’d been dragged to the clinic against my will due to an incident the previous night wherein my partner had found me trying to hurt myself. I was given an ultimatum; See my doctor for help, or speak to my parents. The former was the only feasible option.
I’d been waiting for over three hours and my distress was growing. As soon as my name appeared on the screen I all but bolted for the assigned door, relieved to finally be out of the crowded waiting area.
‘Hello Miss Faulkner, what can I do for you?’
I was a high functioning depressive who had been weaned off her medication for over four years and appeared to be coping well. Besides that, I had just finished studying, had been made redundant at the mouth of Christmas and was properly unemployed for the first time in my life. In hindsight, I had no idea how to cope or distract myself without something to keep me busy.
“Are you passively suicidal or actively suicidal?” the GP handed me a tissue just as tears threatened to spill from my eyes.
“What’s the difference?” I’m sure I characteristically raised my eyebrow in suspicion.
“Are you actively planning to kill yourself or are you just thinking about it?” he had turned to face me head-on, no longer looking over his shoulder haphazardly.
“I know exactly how I want to do it.” I spoke before I had a chance to contemplate the words or the consequences of them, “But I’m too scared to follow through.
He never asked for any further clarification, nor did we spend a great deal of time talking about it. As is the manner of open clinics he only had a limited time with each patient, suicidal or not. Yet, there I was telling the man I wanted to swallow the whole medicine box.
I was handed a script for a new anti-depressant and asked to come back in two weeks for a follow-up. Shamefully I didn’t bother. Instead, I took myself to the nearest pharmacist, cashed in the script and took my pills.
A month later I started a new job and was beginning to feel better.
Magic. But not really.
Being passively suicidal is apparently akin to window shopping for a coat that you may or may not buy. You pass the store three, maybe four times, but you never go in.
This is what separates the passively suicidal from the actively suicidal. The latter meaning you’re actively planning on and trying to take your own life.
Personally, it goes hand in hand with my other mental illnesses. It pulses in and out of my life like depression, sometimes loud and sometimes quiet as a mouse. It’s been there for a number of years, choosing to shout when things get bad and anxiously hiding when things are going well. I’ve just never really chosen to address it.
Like many things in regards to mental illness, what being passively suicidal looks like is different for everyone.
It’s the dark humour that all of us with mental illness seem to display. The ‘LOL I wish I were dead’ memes, and the ‘Haha, kill me now’ jokes. Harmless when uttered by some, but a very real cry for help when repeated by others.
It’s not showering for four days because the effort is too much. The act of turning on the shower, undressing, washing your hair, cleaning the drain and the glass afterward. It’s a sensory overload!
Personally speaking, it also presents itself in the nourishment. Or lack thereof. I find myself not wanting to eat because making food is almost like climbing a mountain. A mountain which is made higher by the persistent voice of an eating disorder nagging in my brain.
More commonly it can appear in a messed sleep schedule. Purposely not sleeping for days and then making up for it over the course of a fourteen-hour nap isn’t exactly the picture of stability.
I’ve spent many a night driving to a bridge at three am because I can’t sleep, I’m frustrated and agitated. I just sit in the car, unable to get out and walk to the overpass. However, the knowledge that I could if I wanted to bring comfort. I never do, I just admire the notion.
It’s putting ourselves in risky situations. Starving, self-harm, purging, smoking, drinking, reckless driving, etc. If you’ve ever put yourself in an overly risky situation, ask yourself why? I always come back with the answer; “Because it would be better off that way.”
It can grow until you become so desperate for distraction that you start to write out pages and pages of to-do lists. You recite quotes, book blurbs, and completely irrelevant information all in a bid to keep your mind occupied, so that you don’t have to think about how you don’t necessarily want to be here, but don’t want to die either.
Passively suicidal idealisations can manifest in the way we isolate ourselves. It’s not answering phone calls, not replying to texts and ignoring social media. It’s eliminating any and all people because it’s too much effort even to speak, let alone explain yourself.
Being passively suicidal looks a lot like regular old depression, except it can feel more intense. For me, depression is flat and filled with crying. However, passive suicidalness is alive with constant pain in my chest and heaviness in my gut. I don’t know how to calm it down, I still haven’t got the answer months later, but I just know that somedays it’s quieter than others.
One of the key ways to begin to accept and heal is admitting it. Speak to someone aloud, write it down in a journal or even in a letter. Confide in anyone you feel comfortable with; A GP, a friend, a therapist, a lecturer or even a parent.
It’s really as simple, or as difficult, as that. Communication and being vulnerable to others is the first step to understanding and working towards healing these thoughts. Although they may never cease completely, they can be dulled by simply airing them to the world in whatever way you choose.
This was written and released the day I found out my grandfather had terminal cancer, therefore it never really gained any traction. Things have progressed since then, somedays being better than others, and so it’s been updated significantly.
If any of you are struggling with suicidal thoughts of any degree please, please, open up. Don’t keep it bottled up inside.
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Thank you for sharing this. I can imagine there's a lot of people who aren't aware of the difference. I was aware but certainly not to the extent that you've explained. I thought it was just thinking about it regularly, I didn't realise it was so intense. So thank you for educating me on that aspect.
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
Thank you for taking the time to read.
I compare it to depression; The intensity comes and goes in waves.
I'm glad I was able to shed some light on the subject.
- Nyxie.
Thanks for sharing. I can really relate so it’s nice to hear someone else sharing their experiences.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment
Lovely honest post, thank you.
Very on point in terms of posts I've been reading this week on, as you call it being "passively suicidal". Great descriptor- really helps expand the dialogue on a silent experience of many, including me.
Thank you again for your los writing,
Peace and love.
Spence.
Thank you for stopping by! It means so much :)
Wow reading this I have never felt more connected with a anything more, I feel like this so much it’s crazy! I never even knew it had a name, thank you for this informative post!
You're very welcome. It's more common than you think. It was only through speaking with a therapist and discussing how I frequently think about jumping from motorway bridges, and how when I hear of someone taking their own life I get chills, that she mentioned the phrase. Thank you for stopping by and commenting :)
Thank you for this. I've never heard the term passively suicidal before but this post makes so much sense. Before I would have thought this was depression so thank you for expanding on that. Really great post and I'm glad you're feeling better now x
Sophie
Thank you for taking the time to read this :) I would have considered it depression as well, but the two seem to be closely related.
Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for being so brave to share your thoughts and experiences. Definitely a conversation that needs to be had more often because I’m sure many people feel the same way.
-Leslie
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot. :)
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I feel like this and I’m glad I now can name it! Saying I’m suicidal feels silly as I have no plans, I just feel that way. When it gets bad I just have to retreat back into my shell, I know time will ease the feeling 👏🏼 Keep being strong and I’m always here if you fancy a chat!
Liz| http://www.anxietyandliz.com
Thank you very much sweetheart. Thank you for your kind words and for always being here. It means so much to have people so kind as you in the MH blogger community.
- Much love xx
You’re welcome ❤️
I had no idea about this difference. Just want to send you a hug. Please keep strong, things will get better. Get in touch if you need to talk. xx
https://www.daisyandthyme.com/thyme-to-cook-daisys-kitchen-vegan-cheesecake-tart/
Thank you for being so open and honest and for educating me in this. More people need to read this so it's more openly discussed
Thank you for taking the time to read this - I'm glad it could provide some sort of education to some :)
Thank you for sharing This had helped me to understand what a loved one is going through. I pray all the best for you.
Thank you. I am so glad that I could be of some help to you. xx