Dear Anorexia,
We’ve known each other for well over a decade now which, no offense, is way longer than necessary. You have well and truly outstayed your welcome and I am writing this letter to you to formally ask you to vacate my life.
I miss muffins. I miss nutty crust bread. I miss chocolate ice lollies and crinkle cut crisps. I miss burgers and hot dogs and cheese. I miss eating without feeling overwhelming guilt afterward. In other words, I miss the ability to have a full and healthy relationship with food, life and everything in between. I miss it all far more than I could ever miss you.
I know you’ve nurtured a part of me that wants to dull emotions and hide away from how I feel, but that needs to change. You need to give that part of me back so I can fix it.
I haven’t felt happy in a long time because not only have you managed to block out the bad feelings but you have also succeeded in pushing out all the good. I wasn’t happy the day I bought my house or the day I moved in – I wanted it over with. I wasn’t even happy when I got my cat – I was nervous in case I fucked her up. There are so many occasions when I should have been overwhelmingly happy – but all I ever felt was a sense of apathy or urgency to get it over with. I couldn’t just live in the moment and that’s on you.
Even when I was ‘recovered’ I couldn’t look at myself and think ‘Damn girl, you look good today’. I always found something to pick at or hate about myself. I can’t remember what I look like anymore and I can’t see what everyone else sees – just another thing on the long list of things you have taken from me.
You have taken my relationships, my social skills, my confidence, my self-esteem, my memory, my motivation, my body, my fertility and the respect of others from me. This is not a definitive list by the way – you have pretty much ruined every aspect of my life so much so that I can’t list everything. Yes, ruined.
You are so evil and manipulative that I can’t function without you some days. Other days you are pushed to the back of mind until 2.00 a.m when I’m awake and counting everything I have eaten that day with a sense of panic in my gut. I still do that every night and did for years although I would never admit it.
Please consider this your notice for the permanent termination of our relationship and your residency in my head.
A fanabla stronza 🙂
Ciao
Empowering to say goodbye! Sending love and strength x
Thank you Jill. X
It’s brave of you to share this very personal letter to the world 🙂 It’s inspiring.
Thank you so much Kate. I really appreciate it 😀
Well done for sharing your story and being strong, by you sharing your story it has allowed to feel like I know you, very inspiring. Please keep up the good work as you will help so many people 😊
Thank you so much Charlotte. Your blog is so inspiring and I really appreciate what you are doing 🙂