“He was said to be no more harmful than a puppy but he was a wolverine in disguise.“
Early last year I happened across Anna’s writing on an eating disorder support community over on Facebook. After reading through her blog this particular post resonated with me in a tremendous way! Not only was I able to sympathise with Anna, but I was also relieved to know I wasn’t the only one battling against this unseen monster.
Please take the time to visit Anna’s blog: Tales From Our world.
EDNOS; The Monster That Steals My Lunch.
By Anna K.
His name is ED.
He lives here. He won’t leave. He’s large and messy, and the most terrifying thing I’ve ever encountered. And it was no ordinary encounter. He lives here, inside. I met him as I looked in the mirror one day after what seemed to be an ordinary lunch date. He’s abusive, and he won’t leave.
Have you ever feared monsters that creep under your bed or into your closet late at night?
Have you been scared of playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark, for fear of what you might find? Well, that fear sometimes applies to Ed, too. Except he’s real, and yet no one else can see him or feel him or understand him.
Ed has been with me for a few years now, and honestly, I’ve grown accustomed to his stay. Actually, it took me a while after he arrived to understand that he was even there, or that he was the one causing so much damage inside. He was small at first, and kind of cute, telling me that with just a few slight changes, he could make me so much better. And then the chaos ensued.
He began taking over and carefully planning each mealtime, every outfit, and even tailoring my group of friends. And I obeyed him, hoping that he would be manageable and easy enough to get along with if I was compliant. But he only grew. And grew, and grew. Ed grew until I couldn’t breathe and had a panic attack if I made even the slightest movement away from his plans.
“He had a firm grip on my lungs, my heart, my stomach, and especially my brain. He held me so tightly and kept me so constrained that when he told me that lunch wasn’t on the menu, and I tried to eat a banana anyway, he made sure that I couldn’t keep it in.”
Eventually he made sure that I couldn’t keep anything in. He especially made sure to keep himself hidden from everyone around me He knew that outside help would make him lose control. I also understood that without his daily organization and careful planning I would be lost. He has been with me for so long. He has helped me be the way that I am now.
I know nothing without him.
The thing about this Ed, is that when he takes over, you will look fantastic on the outside. You will start to be just the right amount of thin and your jawline will meet all of the newest beauty standards. Your thighs will start to have a little gap where there wasn’t one before. You can wear those skinny jeans and tank top and feel damn good about yourself in them. You feel free.
People will compliment you constantly and tell you how good you look. People will ask your secret, and you’ll give them some made up answer (because Ed MUST stay hidden);
“Just drink more water!”
“I just cut back on the calories a bit recently”
Or anything else that sounds more reasonable than “I have a giant-ass monster named Ed living inside of me, monitoring every move I make”. That’s not what people want to hear. But the new you IS what people want to see. It’s a catch 22 but trust me, it’s the only way around it. And it stays this way, for a while at least, until he grows too big.
Then he takes over. You feel him grow larger and more in control with every bite you take.
He cuts you off from family and friends and starts beating you down by twisting your vision of yourself and everyone around you. He makes you lose sleep and keeps you in constant pain. But he reminds you over and over again just how helpless and out of control you are without him. And you believe every word because he’s all you’ve known for so long.
After a while, he’s gotten so big that there is no way people don’t notice. So all you can think about anytime you go anywhere is how it must be so obvious that there is this huge, black, and greasy monster that has taken up residence inside of you, and you can’t make him go. With every step, every conversation, every time you catch someone’s eye from across the room, you know that they see him. You can feel it. But he won’t leave. He threatens you every time you even think about telling him to go. He reminds you that you are nothing without him.
But one day, I was fed up.
I was tired, scared, humiliated, and lonely. So I decided to do some research on how to get rid of this thing that seemed impossible to get rid of. I even ventured so far as to ask a friend to help me, and as it would turn out, a lot of other people have monsters like Ed living inside of them too. There are places to go that will help rid you of Ed, and teach you how to plan for yourself.
But there was something unique about Ed. He didn’t fit into any of the categories or requirements for being “bad enough” or “big enough” or “controlling enough” to get that kind of help. He was obscure, and a crossbreed of other monsters that can be treated, and because he was so vague and seemingly invisible to the outside world, no one could help me get rid of him. No one believed that something that left so little tracks could be so bad and dangerous.
He was said to be no more harmful than a puppy but he was a wolverine in disguise.
Finally, I found one person who was trained to deal with obscure monsters such as mine. At first, it only made Ed angry and defiant. I started tracking him and calling him out on every ounce of bullshit that he tried to feed me. The saint of a person assured me that this was normal, as Ed had been accustomed to me being obedient for so long. However, like a spoiled child beginning to receive discipline, he would realize his limits and shrink down over time.
And it has taken a LOT of time. And Ed has not yet shriveled away. But he has shrunk to a completely manageable size, and now I am not controlled by his nasty comments or abusive rituals. And most of the time, I can live my life the way I plan to without him interfering too heavily. We’re almost like an old, rude married couple these days, really. He shouts at me to stop eating that doughnut, and I flick him off and assure him that I the hell WILL eat this doughnut, and enjoy every bite.”
Have you battled the monster that is an eating disorder? Perhaps your own monster is something else entirely.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. And please join me in thanking Anna for allowing me to represent her voice on the blog.
To read more about eating disorders and recovery, check out any of the following.
- 10 Things not to say to someone with an eating disorder.
- How anorexia impacts my life.
- Eating disorders from a males perspective.
- I think I have an eating disorder.
92 Comments
Wow great piece I like the manner in which you shared it. It’s gives reader a great understanding especially when talking about how your ED can dictate your friends. I pray for your continued success on overcoming this ❤️
Thank you so much for stopping by. This post was written by a guest but it just sums up exactly what I feel all sufferers from eating disorders go through at one point or another.
Ed and not fitting into categories and getting help made me cry. I understand Ed, I have those voices and that monster inside me.
I remember last year at a yearly health check the GP weighing me 4 times, then weighing himself to check the scales were working and then weighing me some more because he couldn’t match up the number on the scale to the number in my records from the year before. But Ed stopped me from mentioning that it wasn’t a result of an entire year of lifestyle changes but much swifter in the preceding couple of months.
I’d been so careful to keep my BMI just above 18 so nobody would question me.
When accusations of anorexia were thrown at me from acquaintances I threw my BMI back at them in defence because I knew from my teens how to slip through the gaps of diagnostic criterion.
I was always so careful to keep my BMI below 20 and in my older years (i.e now) tried my hardest to keep it above 18 as well. But sadly anorexia had other ideas and saw me drop to 16 in December. Now it screams at me every time I gain Lb or two. It’s truly terrible but I have faith that we can both recover in time!
Me too! Since finding you and your blog I have never been so optimistic about the future and having a future free from this monster. 🙂 all that you post about the psychological healing really helps me to know where to go when I can handle it and what needs sorting out in my brain and the dipping in and out of participating in the 10 days of recovery in your comments is helping me shift my mindset too xxx
I’m so glad I’ve had this impact on you Ruth! It means so much to me that I’ve been able to help through my writing. x
I love this. What a great article and a way to help people without eating disorders to understand what goes on inside of the head of someone who has them. Because, I think everyone has that monster somewhere inside of them most people are just very good at ignore it.
Thank you so much for stopping by – I think you are on to something there. Some people are just better at ignoring the guilt, so to speak, than others.
This is well written. I have an Ed they refused to leave. Even though I am mostly recovered, he still controls me
My Ed is pretty much still controlling me which is why Anna’s story stuck with me so much.
I really like your writing style and we can never get enough stories like yours. It is so important to be brave and come forward, so thank you for being brave.
Thank you so much. My guest this week has a beautiful writing style 😀
To be in your own personal prison with a prison guard watching over 24/7 must be overwhelming. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for stopping by. With an eating disorder, you are your own judge, jury, and executioner. It’s extremely difficult to be terrified of something that is a big part of life.
This is such a great post! I struggled for so long with an Ed in high school. I felt his pull so heavily. I still struggle from time to time, but it’s okay. This post is so poignant and so spot on. Thanks for sharing! I wish you much success on your continued journey! ♥
Thank you so much for reading. I hope you Ed has well and truly left your life! It’s a horrible thing. Wish you all the best. x
I absolutely love this post! I have dealt with Ed and he has had a huge impact on my life and especially my family – by shrinking him down to size, he’s become much more manageable now. Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece of writing! xxx
Thank you so much for visiting. My guest this week has a truly wonderful way with words!
What a great post, thank you for sharing!!
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading 🙂
This is a really creative post and way of explaining and sharing what’s going on. Thank you for sharing.
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
Thank you so much for stopping by Jenny! It means so much to have your support.
Great story!
Thank you 😀
Thank you for sharing. This is a powerful story. I feel so much compassion toward those suffering from eating disorders.
Thank you – I really appreciate your response.
Powerful and courageous post. Thanks for sharing.
Great insight to a very important topic. Body image issues are root to many mental health problems and thus it is very important to talk about it. On my blog I try to create awareness about body image and body positivity which is realted to self esteem and quality of life. I like the approach you have taken towards eating disorder.
Thank you so much for stopping by. I will definitely have to check out your health-related blog posts 😀
What a beautiful piece, heartbreaking but great.
I can see why you felt compelled to share this 😊
Wow. Such an amazing piece. I’ve always found naming negative emotions etc. to be helpful for me. It feels easier to tackle them then.
Great guest post. The message resonates very well with your style
Thank you very much, our styles are certainly complimentary! 😀
That was a really well written story. I liked it
Thank you very much. My guest this week has excellent writing skills.
Thank you for sharing your experience with ED.
This was so we’ll written!! Wow – so glad I came across this today
great story that was a really good read x
Its heartbreaking but beautiful.
I love the way this is written. It’s very thought provoking, I don’t think we should ever be ashamed for asking for help from others, like it says here – “as it would turn out, a lot of other people have monsters like Ed living inside of them too” – when more people start to speak out and ask for help, you soon realise that you’re not alone. Great post.
Chloe xx
http://www.chloechats.com
Thank you. I thought Anna did a great job of getting this across to us in her post. Certainly got me thinking too.
Absolutely the perfect way to describe this illness
WOW! Such and incredible article, Anna did such a great job at humanising a subject society feels rather awkward talking about!
http://www.twentysixotwo.com
Thank you 🙂
This is so incredible written. As someone who has lived/currently lives this reality, it really hit home. Thank you Anna for writing this and allowing it to be shared here <3
It’s amazing isn’t it? I am so honoured that I was allowed to post this on her behalf!
I love how this is written. I’ve never struggled with an ED myself, however this helps me to visualize what it must be like.
Thank you for reading pet! x
Oh wow, I feel this. There is so much pressure to be thin in today’s society and it’s so hard to deal with sometimes.
Thank you so much for reading.
I’ve never dealt with an ED, but it sounds just awful. A close loved one of mine is going through it right now and I can’t even imagine!
Thanks for reading pet.
I actually have. I was never clinically diagnosed, but I was dangerously skinny at one point.
This perfect explains the mind games that an eating disorder has over you. Having been there many years ago, I can relate.
Dealing with an Eating Disorder is so much more difficult than most people thing. It is something we are always in recovery from and never fully over I think.
I’ve never battled with an eating disorder. However, I know people who have, and it’s such an important topic to discuss.
Thank you for sharing this piece. I have had friends who suffered with ED.
This is an incredible guest post and such a creative way to talk about and explain eating disorders. Thank you for sharing x
Thank you for taking the time to read love 😀
I don’t personally know anyone who has Ed, but I’ve heard and read about individuals who are suffering from it. This is a great read.
This was such a powerful, heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing your story in such an enlightening way.
Thanks for sharing your story. I need to know more about ED!
Thanks for your story – I fortunately haven’t had an ED in my lifetime, but learn so much about those who are open about it. xo.
I’m glad you were able to share this with us. It was such a powerful post. I don’t know anyone who has suffered from this, but glad to hear about your story.
This was brilliant! Thanks for sharing this with us and opening up!
I think the moral of the story is that there are so many people who struggle with the same things as you, and that you are never alone in your battle. You just need to ask for help to get rid of Ed.
What a great way to portray how real monsters like Ed can be for people who experience their own version of that monster. Observing from the outside doesn’t really give you that depth of understand at all.
Wow, such a powerful piece! The perfect way to describe feelings.
I tell you I had seen my elder counsin sister suffering from ED, I was her closest one and she went through so many things. She shared wat exactly it feels like and your guest post exactly describes it really welll!
I loved reading every word. What a powerful post. EDs are such perverted “creatures” and difficult to get rid of, but there is always help to be found out there.
This is really well written and powerful. I’m sure it will connect with a lot of readers who have experienced this or have loved ones going through it.
What a tough battle to go through. It was interesting to read about your experience. Such a big obstacle to overcome.
Using Ed to talk about the emotional warfare is brilliant. Very compelling and by the end I was cheering for you!
That was hard hitting stuff. Kudos to you for writing about it and helping others who maybe facing the same battle!
Yes Eating disorder is diffcult disease. Thanks for sharing your struggle which is really helpful for others.
That was really well written and helpful to us who don’t struggle with an eating disorder in understanding the problems it causes.
This was a really interesting read. I’ve had trouble with eating from the other side of things. There was a time when I was well over 300 pounds because I could not stop eating. It was a compulsion.
Wow, thank you for being open about your struggle! It’s so important for all of us to see how an eating disorder can take over our lives!
This is such a scary thing and not talked about nearly enough as it should be. Thank you for sharing this!
I loved the way you shared the story about Ed. I really feel like it gave me a lot of insight into what you have endured. I’m glad that found someone who could help you deal with Ed!
That is a good story, I love how Ed was characterized.
Amazing post! Thank you for sharing! This was written so well and it’s amazing how you’ve shared your story with us!
Your creativitiy is amazing – this is such a well written article. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us.
That is such a sad story but it is beautifully written. Having an eating disorder is a horrific battle many go through.
That is a touching story yes eating dissorder is very difficult thing to go through.
Awww this is so sad! I felt every words you wrote here. Sometimes you really need some help to family and friends to overcome. I hope you will overcome eveything about Ed.
Thank you so much for commenting!
Oh I feel this SO hard. I have had one since I was 16. I’m 35 and STILL dealing with it.
Sending you so much love. It’s never easy but keep fighting!
You made me look at it in a very different way. It sounds scarier than it seems for someone who does not go through the same thing. Keep winning over ED!
Thank you so, so much! x
This is such an inspiring and insightful way to look at eating disorders. Sending you love, it’s a constant battle.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It’s much appreciated.