This is part two of two letters I wrote to my first therapist at the beginning of this year. The purpose of these letters is to write to a therapist (or anyone) but imagine yourself / your life 5 years in the future. You do this in both a positive and negative way so you can see where your life has taken you both in recovery and still within your current mindset.
♦♦♦
To my therapist,
It’s been 5 years and I just thought I would write to tell you how I’ve changed and how it’s impacted my life in a negative way.
Needless to say, I am not doing very well at the moment. I can’t remember the last time I was doing well actually.
I lost my job due to my poor health and have since been unable to hold down a job. It feels as if all my schooling has been wasted and that I am a complete and utter failure. I am close to losing my home as I am unable to keep up the mortgage payments and Ryan is no longer around. Cracks had been appearing in that first year of my relapse and it wasn’t long until he decided he had had enough. I don’t blame him. I would have left me too.
I have been in and out of the hospital to try to control my weight but it’s no use. I would easily say that if I continue torturing myself like this I will end up dead and, honestly, I am praying for that day.
I was unable to be there for my family and my grandparents during their last few years. Guilt or grief is endless and eats me alive.
As a consequence of my persistent eating disorder, I am unable to have children. The option isn’t even there due to my lack of menstrual cycle.
I have pushed everyone away, including my ex-partner and family. I’m completely isolated. As a result, I am deeply depressed and suicidal. If I wasn’t such a coward I would end it all. I feel as if I am trapped in an endless cycle of starving, recovering slightly and then falling again.
Thank you for all your help regardless,
Kind regards
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