Recovery means a number of things for me that probably are not unfamiliar to anyone else in recovery.
Firstly recovery means complete freedom from calorie counting, fear foods, food-induced panic, and restriction. I haven’t eaten some of my favourite foods in over 10 years for fear of the calorie content and what it might do to me. I also haven’t tried many new foods which I have desperately wanted to for the same reason. I won’t drink certain drinks (hot chocolate, lattes, Baileys, milk or milk-based products, smoothies, etc) and I sometimes find myself limiting water for fear of water retention.
It’s irrational but very real for me and many others.
Secondly, recovery means being able to wear clothing again and having it actually sit well on me. Currently, everything I put on hangs and even if it does fit it looks terrible. I won’t go into detail about why clothes look bad on me for fear of triggering anyone but if anyone has been through anorexia and has been within a very low weight range for their weight and body shape then you will know what I am getting at.
At a point in my relapse I looked at myself and thought ‘Finally, this is great’, which others were probably looking at me and seeing nothing but a woman in the body of a child. The anorexia convinced me it was good that I didn’t have an ass or boobs anymore because it meant I was doing something right.
Now, so many months later, I want to be recovered. I want to have my body back and actually look like a woman. The scary part is just gaining the weight and going through weight redistribution to get there.
By going through recovery I want to have an actual figure again as well. I want my hourglass shape back, and if the Gods also gave me a decent set of boobs in the process I wouldn’t be opposed to it!
Thirdly I want to be able to eat out without looking up the menu ahead of time. I want to be able to eat out without feeling guilty or tearful during and after.
Forth I want to be able to travel without the fear of food so I can enjoy myself, rather than counting every calorie going into my body or restricting.
While in Poland this year I found it very difficult to separate myself from the eating disorder and it stopped me trying so many new foods. It also meant that I used sightseeing as a way to burn off the calories, and I wouldn’t compensate properly for them because the snack foods over there scared me.
Finally, I want to be able to function again without experiencing extreme exhaustion. I want my stomach to work properly again, and I want to have a healthy relationship with myself, my emotions and food.
Recovery means so much to me that sometimes it’s hard to get it all down. It’s such a vast question that you can’t help but miss a couple of key things when writing about it.
Sometimes you might not even be aware of all the areas recovery could improve. There is just so much life we are missing because of this dangerous and, frankly, manipulative illness.
What do you want from recovery? Do you find your answers relating to mine or are they completely different?
Feel free to share your answers with me by either commenting or tagging me on any of my socials.
If you decide to join in by writing your own blog posts I would love to feature them on my blog, facebook, twitter and Pinterest.
Body dysmorphia is a huge issue. It’s sad that if a woman doesn’t look a certain way she’s considered unattractive. Every woman is beautiful in her own way. I think every woman struggles with this issue, some in more extreme ways than others. I’ve never had any experience with anorexia, so it was really interesting reading about someone’s real struggles with the condition. I really like how you went into detail about how anorexia affects your day to day life. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for taking the time to read 🙂
What a raw and honest post! I’ll keep you in my prayers and hope that recovery goes well for you – although I know it’s not a linear process by any means. For me, recovery just means trying. It’s a rocky road, but as long as you try that’s all that matters. x
El | welshwanderer.com
Thank you for taking the time to read and responding. 🙂 Recovery is all about trying. If we don’t try every day to overcome whatever it is we are feeling, then we are more likely to fail.
Love it girl😍 I’m so grateful you are working threw this day by day.
To me recovery means living a normal life. As you know I am in recovery for opiate abuse, which is entirely different from eating disorders, but as we have talked about there are some similarities.
Recovery for me, means not running from the cops, or being afraid of having to go threw detox again. It means no more hiding the sickness from friends and family, or being desperate to end the mind blowing pain and discomfort of of the sickness. It means being able to save money, and being able to wear tank tops in the summer, and not hiding track marks. It means knowing someone isn’t waiting for me outside the bathroom listening for the sound of a bag ripping. It means life.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog Nikki, and for being so candid in your response. You are an inspiration for all you do each day to keep sober. I believe in you girl! You can do this! xx
I remember the days well of battling this disease with my eldest daughter, it was a long road but we have been successful.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I am so sorry you had to go through that with your daughter. When I was in quasi-recovery I spoke to many parents going through the same thing and it can be so heartbreaking. I am glad to hear that you are all through that now and long may it continue. x
Thank you so much for your kind words, I hope you get to where we are today. I love your blog, it’s such an important message to others
This is such a powerful post and hats off to you for being able to talk so honestly and openly about it. I guess with any sort of recovery, having the right mindset is always a good starting point – obviously there is far more to it than that, but you have to start somewhere, right? Best of luck on your journey – great post.
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and comment. It means so much to me 🙂
Such a personal and honest post, thank you so much for sharing. I find writing on my blog about what I’m going through and how I’m feeling such a therapeutic experience, and it’s always really helpful to have everything that’s bothering you/the difficult things that you are facing out in words that you can read and share to others. It’s kind of like lifting a weight off of your shoulders, of course, it’s only the start having it written down, but to start the recovery journey is a massive step. I hope you continue on your journey and that step by step (even if they’re small steps) it gets better for you.
To me recovery means making sure I find positives in every day life, even if it’s something simple that I managed to start a conversation at work even if the thought of it makes me feel anxious, even just going to the kitchen at work and making a cup of tea and speaking to a stranger that I don’t know, just those little conversation fillers like ‘what fab weather we’re having today!’ Although don’t you find it funny that we often result to talking about the weather in those type of situations haha.
Great post!
Chloe xx
http://www.chloechats.com
Thank you so much for reading and responding to this 🙂
I remember every conversation I’ve ever forced myself to have with people in work, and I’m proud of every one of them because I hate it so much. If I have to assert myself it makes me almost want to run away and cry, so any victory, no matter how small, is massive in regards to my anxiety.
I do hate weather talk though! I hate small talk beyond belief and would honestly prefer to jump into a full blown conversation.
Recovery is about one step at a time, living day to day and just continuing to move forward despite it all.
Thanks again for reading and I wish you all the best with your own anxiety. x
Well done on sharing this post with us and openning up. I am positive you will recover and be able to do all the things ypu want to.
My sister was anorexic and nearly died but now fully recovered and enjoys her life.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Alyssa
THESACREDSPACEAP.COM
I am so happy that your sister has overcome this terrible disorder. I fills me with hope that I will fully recover too some day.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and comment. <3
Freedom, no doubt about it. My recovery journey has been so long, one step back one step forward. And now that I gained weight, I’m struggling to accept it. I wish you all the best and it would be great to keep in touch
https://www.daisyandthyme.com
I am struggling to accept the weight gain as well. I am trying accept that it’s what my body needs right now, but it’s difficult. Like you, it seems to be one step forward and two steps back. But I have hope and faith that we will both get there, it just takes time. Thank you for stopping by and commenting 🙂
Ah, what a wonderfully honest post. It’s interesting to read what recovery means for you personally, and I really hope you achieve everything you’ve mentioned here.
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading 🙂
Such a thoughtful post. For me recovery is the effort to curb down our fears. I wish you happiness .Eat well and stay well.
Thank you for taking the time to read and contribute 🙂
Recovery for me is a little different, but like you, I want to find a way to step out of that experience with the opportunity to have learned from it and have grown as a person. I struggle sometimes recovering from emotional abuse, not in my current relationships but from a previous one. It takes time to work through each of those aspects. Each time I feel that I have reached a plateau in the recovery process, something else comes a long that helps me realize that I still have a little more growing left to do. Oddly enough, it feels like a really humbling process because The Universe is helping to push you forward. You’re right recovery can mean a lot of things for every person, so it could be different depending who you ask. But I appreciate you asking the question and sharing this. It helps to remind others, and myself, that we all struggle, we all feel, and we all heal in our own time.
Thank you for sharing this with me, I appreciate that it’s not easy. I know it’s a stupid and overused saying but I firmly believe that time heals all wounds. It takes a while, it’s not an overnight job, but we get there through determination and strength. I send you all my love and luck in the future.
Thank you for taking the time to pop in, read and respond.
– Nyxie.