This post may be triggering for those suffering or recovering from an eating disorder. Please read with caution.
April 2019.
“I think the phrase ‘Oh well, that could have gone better’ goes through our heads at one stage or another during recovery. For me it was today. I talked a lot about nothing, I cried, I gained weight, and sat with the vexed feeling of confliction in my head about it. How can one be happy to gain weight but also hate oneself in the same sentence? It doesn’t make sense. Nothing about anorexia ever makes sense.
I’m sitting on the train home after a difficult morning at the clinic. It was my first time visiting in over three weeks, so it should have been the first time I’ve seen my weight since then.
Except it’s not.
We borrowed a scale to weigh our bag before our vacation, and we never gave it back. Since Wednesday the twentieth of March, I’ve fallen back into the bad habit of weighing myself every morning. Even though I know that it doesn’t matter and that my weight will fluctuate, I’m still doing it.
If I’m honest I was leaving it up to Ryan to remove it from the house because let’s be real, I can’t bring myself to do it. If I had any sort of balls I would take it downstairs, lift a hammer and smash it into 1000 little pieces, but I’m just not that strong.
So, it wasn’t the first time I had seen my weight, but I’m concerned because the weights differ by a large amount. I’m freaking out that her scale is right and mine is wrong.
But it doesn’t matter, and I need to keep telling myself that.”
Recovery isn’t linear, and it’s anything but easy.
Recovery from an eating disorder is hard as hell. You aren’t just learning to re-establish a healthy relationship with food, but you’re also learning to like yourself, believe in yourself, assert yourself, and how to handle all the emotions that come with it. It’s learning to separate self-worth from the number or the food, and placing it on you as a person. It’s a very rocky and uneven path that doesn’t necessarily have one answer or a magic potion to make it all better. Quite often you find yourself doing it alone, even if you don’t mean to, and that makes the journey all the worse.
Recovery is head wrecking.
It’s waking up one day right as rain, and the next unable to lift the fork to your mouth. Unable to even comprehend eating once let alone six times that day. It’s having nightmares about calories and food and inches on your waist. Recovery can also be an intense fear of being ‘well’ because that means you’ve failed as an anorexic. And she’ll do anything to remind you of that.
Recovery is overshadowed with the massive weight of guilt and regret.
Guilt that you’re here, stuck in this place, sick and unable to do what you used to. The shame that you’re not a functional part of adult society like everyone else. A constant voice whispering “you’re a failure“.
Regret just hangs around the corner, waiting for you in the middle of the night to remind you of how sh*t you are. It’s there to laugh at you because Regret you let this happen.
Recovery is a forest full of trees that you need to get through in order to get to wellness.
The trees are the relapses and triggers that cause them, the branches are the weight gain and the dark moments where you feel like giving up. But it’s a forest that you need to get through, and how you react to the trees is all up to you. Are you going to be scared of them or walk through them with confidence?
Recovery is far harder than you could ever imagine if you haven’t walked in our shoes.
It’s not as simple as ‘just eat‘. The food and the weight is just one part, and the rest is a can of worms waiting with bated breath to be opened. But you can’t open it right away because you’re scared that it’ll all fall apart.
I, for one, have been numbed for so long by anorexia that I don’t know what I want from life. There is no recognition of what I’m good at, what my favourite things are, and who I am without the looming presence of anorexia.
I’m a different person for every walk of my life, so much so that I don’t know who the real me is.
Would the real Chloe please stand up!?
I would love nothing more than to tell you that over a year later that I’m fully recovered. There is nothing I want to say more than “I’m over it. Bye.” But, sadly, I can’t. I’m far from over it. Yes, I’m a little closer to weight restored but my body and mind have been fighting every moment along the way.
If you would like to read more about my journey or anorexia in general check out the following links.
- 10 Days of Recovery.
- How anorexia impacts my life.
- Anorexia and other mental illnesses.
- The Anorexic Iceberg.
Check out the Eating Disorder category for more.
35 Comments
Hi Chloe. Reading this post broke my heart a little. My heart hurts that you are going through this, struggling like you are. I feel so much for you. And it hurts because it reminds me of when i was 18 and in the same boat, battling the same demons. I weighed 37kg and was so fucked up emotionally it nearly killed me. I just want to tell you that I’m listening. It does get better. It’s not easy and it’s not a quick fix but there is life after anorexia. I promise. You are so brave to share your story and i truly love reading it. You are strong and articulate and i’m over here cheering you on. You’ve got this Chloe. Keep fighting!
“Recovery is a forest full of trees that you need to get through in order to get to wellness.” Beautiful analogy. Stay strong and keep penning down your journey. Hoping this post reaches someone needful today.
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading. I really appreciate your support 🙂
I believe in you, with my whole heart. I know your having a bad day, so this will be it. Your brave, and have courage, even if you don’t see it❤
Thank you so much for your kind words. It means the world to me <3
it helps great deal too have a cry and Snotty Nose .rather than a melt down .with Anorexic becomes way life
with Vomiting .makes you feel BETTER ..After .people never see the every day effects .was you Bullied
before becoming Anorexic ..i was bullied badly soon after Anorexic come .try not too worry try not to put
your self down or off .you should NOT THINK /FEEL YOU ARE SHIT . no way .putting your self down
your talking about it helping other people .awareness .understanding ..helping others .WARE WOULD THEY BE
WITH OUT YOUR BLOG ..YOU
my blog.,http;//mark-kent.webs.com
twitter,supersnooper
Wow, thanks for sharing such a raw part of your journey. It sounds like you’re on the right path, albeit a long one. I’m sorry you have to struggle with this, but I’m glad you’re getting there, on your way through that forest.
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. It means so much <3
it’s funny how there are more bad days then good huh? It’s a hard journey you are on and I could not even begin to imagine what that is like, thank you for giving me a glimpse of the emotional raw journey you are on, how amazing it is when you can pour your emotions out on paper or type it out? I hope that more good days come your way, and although I don’t quite understand the pain you are feeling know that you are not alone in your journey for inner peace and acceptance. Our journey may not be the same but the destination always will be.
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and comment. It means a lot to me. This is possibly one of the rawest posts I’ve ever written for this blog, but it’s the reality that I face every day. x
WE are here…support
I’m so sorry for your struggles. Thank you for your honesty. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting 🙂 It means so much.
Just to say you are amazing, and recovery isn’t linear. Proud of you x
Thank you for your kind words. It means so much.
Anytime x
Thank you for sharing about your recovery. As someone on the outside, it is eye-opening being able to see what the journey to recovery is actually like. We are all here to support you.
Thank you for taking the time to read and for your kind words <3 I appreciate all the support I have here. Honestly, it's so valuable to me.
It is wonderful you are beig so open and hones. I am sure alot of people will be able to relate and will now not feel alone. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Alyssa
THESACREDSPACEAP.COM
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond 🙂
Beautifully written post. I appreciate your transparency. It is often these words that people need to hear the most. Keepin it real, raw, amdclose to the heart. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for stopping by 🙂 And thank you for the kind words.
You’re incredible strong and insightful! I wish there was a pill we could give to improve symptoms, moods and disorders but then i wouldn’t have a job but I would happily choose another career. You’re doing amazing things on your blog through use of your recovery and personal experience
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond 🙂 It means alot.
I struggle with eating disorder too .When it feels I am getting better, it shows it’s claws again .Recovery is not linear. We need to keep going . Lots of love.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I wish you all the best in your recovery – I know it’s not easy.
It’s hard and it’s always one step forward and you step back. For me the hardest part know is to cope with the weight gained. Hope you stay on your recovery path. Let’s keep in touch. I wish you all the best.
https://www.daisyandthyme.com/thyme-to-travel-finding-vegan-indonesia/
Thank you for stopping in and responding. It definitely is like taking 2 steps forward, with one big step back. At least it feels that way everytime I pop on the scales, or don’t feel like eating. Yes, I would love to keep in touch. Will be popping over to your blog shortly 🙂
– Nyxie.
This post is so beautiful and raw! I appreciate you for sharing with us. You are so strong to talk about this. There’s a lot that can relate with you on recovery!!!
Kendra🌸
Thank you for reading. I appreciate that you took the time 🙂
“You aren’t just learning to re-establish a healthy relationship with food, you’re also learning to like yourself, believe in yourself, to assert yourself and how to handle all the emotions that come with it.”
This is my favourite quote from this post. It’s so real and true and relatable. It’s the thing that most people just don’t understand.
Recovery isn’t a straight line and that’s okay, you are doing great one breath at a time.
I’m not sure if I’ve already shared with you, but one of my all time favourite quotes is “If you take two steps forward and one step back then you are still one step ahead of where you started”.
I keep that quote in mind for literally everything in my life.
You may not “feel” like a fully functional adult (I don’t either) but you are making a difference in my life when you share, the fun stuff and the raw, real emotional stuff. You aren’t alone and you help me to realise that I’m not alone in my difficulties too.
You’ve inspired me to make a pin out of this quote! Thank you!
I love that quote! Thank you for sharing it with me, I’ve never heard it put that way before 🙂
Yaaaay I’m sure it’ll be an awesome pin!
Your honesty is amazing. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment 🙂