Gaining the confidence you need to recover.

The confidence to continue with recovery depends first on your readiness and willingness to participate fully. Both of those things combined are like putting one foot out the door. Sticking with the plan and putting the other foot forward requires you to have some sort of self confidence to continue. You need to have confidence in your ability to handle the physical, psychological and social stressors of recovery both during the initial stages and beyond.

Shaping confidence

There are thought to be four different ways to help you shape you own confidence in recovery. Some of these will be familiar to you once you start reading about them and others will be completely new.

Mastery Experiences; 

This comes when you are successful in adopting a behavior that you deem as being difficult i.e eating 3 meals a day, eating a certain food etc. The more you succeed in mastering certain behaviors (or letting go of bad habits) the more your confidence builds.

Think of it in terms of school or your job. You hand in an assignment in a subject you were shaky on, you get a good grade and your confidence in that area increases. Same goes for recovery.

It’s natural that success builds confidence while failure undermines it. As someone who struggles with anorexia I am not overly familiar with the sense of success and mastery because my obsession with weight has always given me a sense of failure. I can’t control myself and be XX kilos, so I am a failure. Even if I am competent in other areas of my life the failure of anorexia over shadows it all and leads me to believe I am incompetent. This obviously gives me a very low self esteem, one which needs built up again through success. Once this success begins in recovery the rest can follow.

This requires small steps and realistic goal setting. None of this flying to the moon shit, I’m talking walk outside, down the street etc before applying for NASA.

Vicarious Experiences;

This is built through experiences and observations of another person’s actions. If you see other people of a similar demographic, social status and in a similar situation to yours achieve recovery, it allows you to see that it is possible. You feel that if they can do it then so can I.

This can also work against your confidence so be careful. Watching someone succeed and recover while you feel like every step is a struggle can be very disheartening.

Remember; Chances are they were once in the same position as you! 

As someone who is in recovery and frequently blogs about my experiences, I try to be as real as possible without being triggering. I want you all to know I am human, I fall down and I sometimes don’t feel like getting up. I aim to be a realistic and human exception, not a machine.

Remember the above if you also blog about your own recovery experience. You don’t have to be a recovery guru who has never relapsed, eats every meal, doesn’t cry every day and has given up coffee and cigarettes. Perfect is not obtainable; human is.

Verbal Persuasion;

This one isn’t that hard to image. If someone tells you that you are doing well and that they are proud of you then chances are you will feel reassured that you are doing something right.

BUT this is not as important as self persuasion. You need to replace your negative mantras with positive ones about yourself. That is where, I feel, daily gratitude comes in. Everyday remember to write down what you are thankful for and what, about yourself, you admire. It’s hard to get into the habit of this and I am still struggling but you do begin to feel a sense of ‘You know what!? I am strong, I am worth it’.

Psychological state; 

This is all about positive mental states such as being relaxed, well rested, warm, feeling loved, feeling excited etc. These are all states that make us feel comfortable and, in a sense, better. Satisfied would usually come in there but I know that sometimes the feeling of being satisfied can make us feel negative – we need to challenge that!

Feeling satisfied in regards to our hunger levels need to be switched to the positive mental state rather than the negative (along with tired, cold and tense).

This is something that will naturally come along with recovery.

How can I achieve confidence? 

Be your own No.1 fan! As we become tangled with anorexia we tend to lose a sense of our own identity. Although letting go of the eating disorder often feels like we are letting go of a part of ourselves, the truth is it was never part of you to begin with. It was, and is, a parasite feeding off you; It doesn’t belong anywhere in your mind, on your body or within your soul. Holding onto the negative thoughts and emotions that come along with it increases the chances of relapse in the future.

This is no small feat. I am still finding out who I am as a person (so far I know my name, age and that I like coffee) but with practice and determination I know I will get there.

Don’t be ashamed to talk about it! If people ask about your recovery or your illness don’t be afraid to tell them. You don’t need to be embarrassed or hide from anyone.

Learn to say no! I am still learning to say this word when I mean it. I am a people pleaser and so when someone asked me to do something I always thought that I had to say ‘yes’ all the time, or risk disappointing them.Saying yes all the time can lead to added pressure to take on more and more tasks until we are overflowing. Remember to look after yourself and your own needs first and the rest will follow.

Stand up for yourself. When people hurt you or break your trust it’s not your fault despite what you think. If someone is challenging you and your opinion hold fast and don’t back down. You have as much right to your opinion, your emotions and your trust as anyone else does. Don’t let anyone away with anything or you will soon begin to feel like a doormat.

I still struggle with this to a great extent. Confidence and being assertive (not aggressive) have always been very difficult to me, but I am learning and trying to change that. Believe me it’s not easy but it’s obtainable.

Spend time with the people who matter. The people who are supportive to you and matter are key. They are the ones who will be there for you in your darkest hours (and if they aren’t then they aren’t your people, sorry). Spending time with them means no apologies, being honest and nothing but support all round.

Do something you enjoy and that makes your soul breathe. Relax, read a book, paint, watch a good show on Netflix, go to the movies etc. What ever makes you happy and content go for it. Life is too short not to have fun.

♥♥♥

These aren’t the only ways to achieve confidence, these are just a few suggestions. I must have said it 100 times in this post alone but my confidence, in life and not just in recovery, has always been low. I haven’t had any self worth in years so learning what that means and how to be confident in myself is something I will probably be working on for years.

Don’t expect it to happen over night, don’t even expect it to happen by the end of the week.

The road only unfolds for us in we put in the time and patience.