As far as I can remember I have always been a ‘worrier‘ but in the last few years the small glimpses of that worry have grown into something much darker.
It started in my final year of university when the perfectionist in me was driven to excessive new heights; studying to get the best marks, working to make money and functioning like a normal adult inbetween. If you’ve read my posts over on Treat Yo Self’s blog you’ll know that all I did during this period of my life was work and study. Sleep and ‘self care‘ weren’t words I often used in my vocabulary and fun was a distant memory.
During this time in my life I would suffer from frequent palpitations, accompanied by dizziness and a sense of panic. I’m not talking ‘oh dear, I’ve forgotten my keys‘ panic, I’m talking unprovoked, out of no where panic which caused me to shake and almost cry from it’s intensity.
I remember one particular night coming home from work, taking a shower and suddenly feeling like I was unable to leave the bathroom because the panic was so intense. Instead I sat on the floor and cried for over an hour before I could compose myself enough to move my fiasco to the couch (I should mention this was in a previous job after a particularly busy, under staffed shift, I probably hadn’t eaten since noon either).
I shook it off. It was just stress after all; Right?
Since then I have had to pull over on the motorway just so I can let the panic pass, or I have had to escape to the toilets in work to count to ten and let myself breathe. It sometimes feels as if my heart is beating so fast and uncontrollably that it might burst from my chest in a bid for freedom.
I have felt physically ill, I have found my self shaking, I have felt so light headed I could see dots in front of my eyes, I have vomited, I have had chronic stomach issues (ongoing for the last year and a half) and I have had terrible sleeping patterns for the majority of my adult life.
But, like I said, just stress. No biggies. I had felt like this for so long that I just got used to all of these symptoms and it became a very skewed normal for me. I like to think of myself as Ross from Friends; when you’re trying not to think about it and someone asks you if you’re okay and you just say ‘I’m finnnnneeeeeeeee‘.
But then I began anorexia recovery again and I felt that it was time to address this once and for all. I spoke to my therapist about it a number of weeks ago and since then we have had a meeting with the clinics consultant. The end result was additional medication to take the edge of the anxiety and help me over to sleep at night. (Quetiapine 25mg, if you’re interested)
One thing the consultant did stress is that this new medication is just to help dull down the anxiety so I can start to concentrate on other areas in my life, it is not to dull any of the emotions I am feeling. That would defeat the purpose of eating disorder recovery.
Knowing that the anxiety is no longer a figment of my imagination I am taking action to combat it in the same ways I am doing for my depression and eating disorder. I’m diving into the blogs for help on how to better manage my anxiety and have found a whole library, too many to tag, full of worldly advice.
As far as I am concerned I still need to walk up to the closet where my anorexia hides, open the door and face any demons that might be inside. Anxiety is just one more monster in my closet. Doesn’t matter. They’re all pretty similar and have pretty much the same weaknesses; self care, self love, positive thinking, serotonin and breathing.
If the medication is needed to give me the strength boost I need to face the demons, then so be it. No shame here.
I love how you address it in the end half, “walking up to the closet”
To true for so many of us, in so many types of recovery.
Nice piece
Thank you 🙂 It was something my therapist had said and it just stuck with me.
I loved reading this post too! I can totally relate to your anxiety battles and i love that you have no shame in taking meds. Thank you for being so open and honest and real. Can’t wait to read more!
Thank you for reading! <3
I have had anxiety all my life and I think it goes hand in hand with my ADHD. One thing that I have learned that helps me is the 5-4-3-2-1 concept from Mel Robbins!
Oh I must look into that! Thank you for your advice.
And thank you for stopping by! 🙂