What went well this month?
Blogging:
My blog has been going far better than I had ever anticipated when first starting it in Jan of this year! I have gained so much love from the community on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, and I’m so grateful for all this support from the communities online! More than I can even express.
I’ve been given the opportunity to collaborate with other writers, to meet other like-minded people and to help people through the power of my own words.
I’ve gained the confidence to put myself out there on my personal Instagram and Facebook, even if it’s just a little bit.
Yoga:
I managed to set practice yoga at least 3 times a week along with Yoga with Adriene! I have joined a Facebook group for yoga and the online Find What Feels Good (FWFG) Kula community.
I find Yoga raises my energy levels (provided that they aren’t too low to begin with) and although I may enter practice with 1000 thoughts in my mind, I exit thinking only of what I have just achieved. My mind wanders but is always brought back to the mat by focusing on my breathing or on the yoga position.
During the last month, my own ability has shocked me. Not only my ability to carry out certain moves but also my ability to clear my mind, breathe and retain the information that’s being fed to me.
Although yoga is not for everyone during recovery I think I’ve found my place. Most importantly of all, I have found a form of exercise I can do without thinking of calories or steps walked or weight lifted. It’s just me, my mat and the instructor. There is no competition or goals here; only peace.
Recovery:
I have had several small recovery wins this month. I have gained a little bit of weight (which is so scary but necessary), I have eaten fear foods, I have regained my period and I have managed to eat my recommended meal plan almost every day.
My good days are even outnumbering my bad ones at this point which is far more than I could ever have asked for.
After living in a constant state of negativity and self-doubt for so long, it’s a relief to actually want to do something nice for myself. I don’t even need a reason. Being alive and getting up every day is enough.
Obviously, this doesn’t mean that I am all better now and can ride off into the sunset on a white horse. I still have very big steps to take and the road is still stretched far our in front of me. The battle for recovery is never over and I constantly need to be reminded of that.
What didn’t go well this month?
Eating:
Although I have had many wins during the month in relation to food I have also had big setbacks.
My vacation, as was mentioned on Monday’s blog, set me back a little because I was out of my comfort zone and, therefore, managed to slip out of routine. I have since returned from Krakow and felt the horrible urge to weigh myself. To be perfectly honest with you all I haven’t managed to completely stop myself either.
I can see myself having gained weight even if no one else can and it makes me feel so much like I am not worthy of the title of ‘Anorexic.’ It’s a strange concept because I don’t want to have that title but I do in a way. I feel like a fraud and that I was never sick to begin with, but that’s something I know is tied to the eating disorder and it’s something that I need to work through in order to recover fully in my mind.
Personal safety:
This is a funny one even if it wasn’t funny at the time.
I’m usually little miss safety conscious as in I don’t like doing things that might result in me breaking something. It stops me from doing a lot in my life like using segways and rollerblading but that’s just me and I can accept that.
When picking up our cat from the cattery after vacation I did something out of character that resulted in me ultimately breaking my nose.
I usually listen for the click of my seat-belt and double check it when I get into a car. I always have done and always will do because that’s how I was taught; Get in and put on seat-belt otherwise the car doesn’t move.
I didn’t check the seat belt. It didn’t click to secure itself but it stayed looped around me. I had the cat in my arms. Ryan approached a tight corner with a pothole on one side and an oncoming vehicle on the other. He swerved and I went flying into the other side of the car. I had my arms wrapped around the cat to protect her and, because I had no spare limbs to stop myself, I hit my face on the back of Ryan’s seat.
Que blood everywhere. Que me checking the cat to make sure she was okay and then noticing a massive amount of pain.
Like a child, I spotted the blood which had quickly began dripping onto my lap and I screamed. I don’t know why I screamed, the pain was bearable, I’m not scared of blood; So why did I scream? Possibly shock.
Either way, I silently cried and sniffed in the back seat with a cloth to my nose for the remainder of the journey.
According to the treatment room in my local GP, it’s broken but clear so there is nothing really you can do. The bruising came and went fairly quickly as well which I’m leaving up to ice pack I had pressed against it for the remainder of that day. The only remnants left of the incident is this post, a few photos and a little bump on the bridge of my nose.
Favourites:
Podcasts :
I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts either in the shower while walking or even just when doing random tasks around the house. Through various podcasts, not just those listed below, I have come across numerous eating disorder and body image discussions that have got me thinking about things to research for my own blog.
I highly recommend listening to a few podcasts just to mix things up a bit.
I use Google podcasts on my phone and stitcher or the podcast’s respected websites in order to listen to them.
- Under the skin
- Yogaland Podcast
- Food Freedom Habit podcast
Queer Eye:
This honestly doesn’t even need an explanation. I am in love with Netflix Queer Eye. These fab 5 not only help the lives of those they makeover but also send out so many positive vibes to their viewers. The preach self-love and self-care like it’s nobodies business and has me shouting ‘Yasss Queen‘ at every given opportunity.
There book is amazing as well! I managed to pick it up at my local library and I would highly suggest you give it a go. It’s full of self-love, fashion and cooking tips that we could all use.
Mental Health blogger community;
I can’t stress how helpful the whole community on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram have been to me this last month and a half. I’ve been able to grow my blog far beyond what I ever expected and have even made a few friends along the way.
The support they have shown me in my darkest moments can’t go unnoticed either. Recovery is a process and with any process comes pitfalls. They’ve listened to me when I’ve been down, pulled me up out of the depths of my own negative thinking and have shown me that I don’t have to do this alone.
Book(s) of the month:
How to Stop Time; Matt Haig.
Next month:
Begin my return to work;
I’ve been off for a few months now and although I am nowhere near fully recovered I feel like I should go back on a phased return sooner rather than later. Going back is daunting and scary. I’ve had a few panic attacks thinking about it but the longer I leave it the harder it will be. So I hope that I can at least start my journey back into the workplace in the next month. Of course, that will all be depending on the OHN’s assessment and if she feels it isn’t the right time then I won’t argue with it.
Continue with yoga;
Self-explanatory. I am learning that I don’t need to do yoga every day because sometimes my energy levels and the aches in my body just won’t allow it. But as long as I bring it to the mat at least 3 times a week and when I am feeling really in need of an alternative outlet then it’s something.
I also want to know more about the different types of yoga and perhaps go to a class but I’ll play it by ear in regards to the latter.
Continue with blogging;
I have a full schedule done out for April, ideas planned for May and have started on my preparation for June!
I hope to begin making a little bit of money on the side from blogging. I don’t expect it to happen overnight or to make millions but even enough to pay off the yearly domain would be good.
Continue with recovery;
This one is fundamental if I want to live a full and healthy life. So, despite the hardships, I need to continue on this road to full recovery from anorexia. None of this quasi-recovery shit that I have been stuck in for over ten years.
I’m glad that some things are going well and you could find the blogging community despite the negative! I wish you luck with recovery and your blog ☺️ Also I want to start reading some of Matt Haig’s work, I’ve heard a lot of good things!
I highly recommend his work! It is amazing! <3
Oh no, I’m so sorry about your nose! I hope you’re okay. I know it’s harder said than done re not weighing yourself, but you’ve got this. Wishing you all the success in the world in your recovery. I’m glad the blogging community is being kind to you xox
Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment 🙂
It’s all healed now thanks to my Da and a good ice pack.
Really appreciate you stopping by 🙂
I’ve always wanted to try yoga but I don’t think I’d be any good since I’m the least flexible person ever!
-Kyra || lovekyra.co.uk
So am I. My body cracks when I stand up and my shoulders are constantly in agony, but what I learned from my first month of yoga was that you don’t need to be flexible at the start. It helps you build up your resistance. I use home videos on youtube with Yoga with Adriene and she encourages you to take it at your own pace and own level. If you are going to give it a go let me know how you get on 🙂
I appreciate you stopping by and dropping me a comment <3
No problem, I think I might give it a try! Xx
I’m so glad you have some positives, but ouch on the nose!! Good luck with your recovery and know you have some lovely friends in the blogging world xx
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot 🙂
Always xx
I’m sorry that happened with your nose, must’ve hurt like a bitch! I did smile though when I read it because it was kinda funny too – I’ll be going to hell in a handbasket! lol I can’t even imagine how hard your daily battles must be but it is great to read that you are doing so well. I wish you all the luck & love with your recovery too! 🙂 x
Sarah 🌺 || Boxnip || Latest Post
Sounds like you had some good positive moments in March, but ouch about the accident and hurting your nose!! I would do the exact same that as soon as I’d see blood I’d start screaming even if it doesn’t actually hurt too much, I think that’s a normal reaction to be fair, it’s pretty scary seeing a load of blood straight after an accident, hope it’s healing fast!
Chloe xx
http://www.chloechats.com
It’s all healed up! I put it down to my father stopping the bleeding (he has the charm) and an ice pack basically stuck to my nose for half the day.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. 🙂
So glad to hear you’ve benefited so much from Yoga this month! I’ve been using YWA almost every day for a good 2 years now and I literally don’t know what I’d do without her!
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
I’m stuck between choosing the April ACT yoga this month or going with a 30day camp which is going on in my YWA facebook group. I do thoroughly enjoy spending time on the mat but this last week have struggled taking myself there. But Monday is a new day and a new month so I can always start again.
Glad to hear you have had such success with yoga as well 🙂 It is a truly wonderful practice.
I’m currently doing her 30 days of yoga challenge from a few years ago which is great. I’d recommend TRUE if you haven’t done that!
OH I may actually look into that this evening. 🙂 Thank you <3