*Please Note; I have the full permission of the writer to share this post.*
I happened to come across Anna’s blog on Facebook and after reading this particular post, I just had to feature it. It resonates so clearly with me, the relationship between Ed and the writer, and I’m sure that a few of my readers will feel the same.
Please take the time to visit Anna’s blog; Tales From Our world.
EDNOS; The Monster That Steals My Lunch;
by Anna K.
“His name is ED.
He lives here. He won’t leave. He’s large and messy, and the most terrifying thing I’ve ever encountered. And it was no ordinary encounter. He lives here, inside. I met him as I looked in the mirror one day after what seemed to be an ordinary lunch date. He’s abusive, and he won’t leave.
Have you ever feared monsters that creep under your bed or into your closet late at night?
Have you been scared of playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark, for fear of what you might find? Well, that fear sometimes applies to Ed, too. Except he’s real, and yet no one else can see him or feel him or understand him.
Ed has been with me for a few years now, and honestly, I’ve grown accustomed to his stay. Actually, it took me a while after he arrived to understand that he was even there, or that he was the one causing so much damage inside. He was small at first, and kind of cute, telling me that with just a few slight changes, he could make me so much better. And then the chaos ensued.
He began taking over
He began taking over and carefully planning each meal time, every outfit and even tailoring my group of friends. And I obeyed him, hoping that he would be manageable and easy enough to get along with if I was compliant. But he only grew. And grew. And grew. He grew until I couldn’t breathe and had a panic attack if I made even the slightest movement away from his plans.
He had a firm grip on my lungs, my heart, my stomach, and especially my brain. He held me so tightly and kept me so constrained that when he told me that lunch wasn’t on the menu, and I tried to eat a banana anyway, he made sure that I couldn’t keep it in.
He eventually made sure that I couldn’t keep anything in. He especially made sure to keep himself hidden from everyone around me He knew that outside help would make him lose control. I also understood that without his daily organization and careful planning I would be lost. He has been with me for so long. He has helped me be the way that I am now.
I know nothing without him.
The thing about this Ed, is that when he takes over, you will look fantastic on the outside. You will start to be just the right amount of thin and your jawline will meet all of the newest beauty standards. Your thighs will start to have a little gap where there wasn’t one before. You can wear those skinny jeans and tank top and feel damn good about yourself in them. You feel free.
People will compliment you constantly and tell you how good you look. People will ask your secret, and you’ll give them some made up answer (because Ed MUST stay hidden);
“Just drink more water!”
“I just cut back on the calories a bit recently”
Or anything else that sounds more reasonable than “I have a giant-ass monster named Ed living inside of me, monitoring every move I make”. That’s not what people want to hear. But the new you IS what people want to see. It’s a catch 22 but trust me, it’s the only way around it. And it stays this way, for a while at least, until he grows too big.
Then he takes over. You feel him grow larger and more in control with every bite you take.
He cuts you off from family and friends and starts beating you down by twisting your vision of yourself and everyone around you. He makes you lose sleep and keeps you in constant pain. But he reminds you over and over again just how helpless and out of control you are without him. And you believe every word because he’s all you’ve known for so long.
After a while, he’s gotten so big that there is no way people don’t notice. So all you can think about anytime you go anywhere is how it must be so obvious that there is this huge, black, and greasy monster that has taken up residence inside of you, and you can’t make him go. With every step, every conversation, every time you catch someone’s eye from across the room, you know that they see him. You can feel it. But he won’t leave. He threatens you every time you even think about telling him to go. He reminds you that you are nothing without him.
But one day, I was fed up.
I was tired, scared, humiliated, and lonely. So I decided to do some research on how to get rid of this thing that seemed impossible to get rid of. I even ventured so far as to ask a friend to help me, and as it would turn out, a lot of other people have monsters like Ed living inside of them too. There are places to go that will help rid you of Ed, and teach you how to plan for yourself.
But there was something unique about Ed. He didn’t fit into any of the categories or requirements for being “bad enough” or “big enough” or “controlling enough” to get that kind of help. He was obscure, and a crossbreed of other monsters that can be treated, and because he was so vague and seemingly invisible to the outside world, no one could help me get rid of him. No one believed that something that left so little tracks could be so bad and dangerous.
He was said to be no more harmful than a puppy but he was a wolverine in disguise.
Finally, I found one person who was trained to deal with obscure monsters such as mine. At first, it only made Ed angry and defiant. I started tracking him and calling him out on every ounce of bullshit that he tried to feed me. The saint of a person assured me that this was normal, as Ed had been accustomed to me being obedient for so long. However, like a spoiled child beginning to receive discipline, he would realize his limits and shrink down over time.
And it has taken a LOT of time. And Ed has not yet shriveled away. But he has shrunk to a completely manageable size, and now I am not controlled by his nasty comments or abusive rituals. And most of the time, I can live my life the way I plan to without him interfering too heavily. We’re almost like an old, rude married couple these days, really. He shouts at me to stop eating that doughnut, and I flick him off and assure him that I the hell WILL eat this doughnut, and enjoy every bite.”
Anna K’s; Tales Frome Our World.
Great story!
Thank you 😀
Thank you for sharing. This is a powerful story. I feel so much compassion toward those suffering from eating disorders.
Thank you – I really appreciate your response.
Powerful and courageous post. Thanks for sharing.
Great insight to a very important topic. Body image issues are root to many mental health problems and thus it is very important to talk about it. On my blog I try to create awareness about body image and body positivity which is realted to self esteem and quality of life. I like the approach you have taken towards eating disorder.
Thank you so much for stopping by. I will definitely have to check out your health-related blog posts 😀
What a beautiful piece, heartbreaking but great.
I can see why you felt compelled to share this 😊
Wow. Such an amazing piece. I’ve always found naming negative emotions etc. to be helpful for me. It feels easier to tackle them then.
Great guest post. The message resonates very well with your style
Thank you very much, our styles are certainly complimentary! 😀
That was a really well written story. I liked it
Thank you very much. My guest this week has excellent writing skills.
Thank you for sharing your experience with ED.
This was so we’ll written!! Wow – so glad I came across this today
great story that was a really good read x